Jenny McCarthy versus Kate Beckinsale (CS II)

Jenny red-cheeked in her seat and approaching the boiling point as Kate continues to lecture the boxing press (and twist the knife in McCarthy’s side!), “There is, however, a certain symmetry inherent in this Coronation Series! Consider the divergent paths our careers have taken since that first meeting in 2007. Now I stand on the brink of coronation - 100 fights … a 60% winning percentage … and entry into the exclusive Hall of Fame. Miss McCarthy? The strumpet barely clings to a winning record after over 120 fights? My three fight sweep will leave her with more losses than wins and propel her into FCBA anonymity and a future of fighting others of her ilk in strip clubs and cruise ships! In conclusion, I …”

“YOU F*CKING b*tch - I’ll KILL YOU!!!” Jenny out of her seat, screaming - out of control and lunging at Kate but the FCBA has taken the precaution of assigning extra security and they are vigilant, wrapping up the enraged blonde as she claws to get at her brunette tormenter. Kate favors Jenny with a contemptuous withering smirk as she unhurriedly leaves the podium and the room - disinterested in anything her opponent might have to say!

Jenny being lectured by FCBA officials over eruption, much of it picked up by microphone, and Mac protesting her case loudly. “Were you even listening? She called me a friggin “trumpet”! A trumpet - what sense does that even make? And I’m not a cretin, - I’m Chicago Irish - I’m not from friggin’ Crete!”

To add financial injury to verbal insult (courtesy of Beck’s rapier tongue), J-Mac incurs hefty fine for outburst at the press conference!

Fight Night: Jazz bass thumps. Bobby Darin croons, “Oh the shark, babe … has such teeth, dear …” and Jenny McCarthy to the ring, stern and focused, accompanied by Scrubby McGee and Big Bad Gena Lee Nolin. McCarthy disrobe reveals the kelly green shorts and bikini top with the white Playboy bunny head on one cup and the white shamrock on the other, matching green boots and gloves. McCarthy fans giving her a rousing welcome when they are unceremoniously drowned out by “God Save the Queen” and here comes Kate Beckinsale - Bo Krsmanovic seconding the Duchess in her corner. Kate going with red gloves and boots, Union Jack sports bra and dark blue boy shorts. Makes a great ceremony of removing the infamous Playmate charm bracelet, which features prominently that gold bunny head inscribed "Jenny McCarthy PMOY 1993". Referee’s instructions given with FCBA security in the ring and wisely foregoes the usual sportsmanlike request to “touch gloves”

Round 1: Kate out of corner in classic boxer puncher stance, on toes, left extended slightly, right hand cocked - Mac a little hesitant, the bitter memory of Kate’s KO6 just scant days earlier bringing some uncharacteristic caution to the usual “wild child” of the FCBA. Dukes high, head moving side to side, stalking Brit - who backpedals lightly and maintains distance with a steady diet of left jabs … pap … pap … pap … some picked off by opponent’s gloves but some bopping nose and forehead. Becks taunted J-Mac to “come on” and rings her up with a right hand lead to the jaw when the blonde gets reckless. Grand Wizard ringside with Cassie Scerbo and Neve Campbell, Wiz to Cassie, “You see that kid? You can’t ever allow that! Its one thing if the other fighter is dictating pace physically, but you can’t let them dictate pace with their mouths!”. Neve Campbell, “You know I was not one for a lot of talking smack but with Blondie … it was JUST so easy!!!”. In ring, McCarthy chasing, not cutting off ring, and just eating that jab. Late in the round, she is able to step right and cut off K-Becks, force her to corner, and pound flanks with both hands but the Duchess quick to clinch. Playmate wrestling to get hands free as clock winds down and it is a nice first round for Kate Beckinsale, who favors Jenny Mac with a condescending smirk.

Round 2: McGee in corner, reminding Jenny (only about the fiftieth time), “When she soy-cles left - you step right! Ya don’t chase … ya cut da damn ring … dis is basic stuff, dammit!” Jenny out of corner, dukes high in half crouch - Kate again on toes … spitting jabs to exact a toll as the Pride of Chicago bores in … and then neat heel pivot and Kate is gone as Mac hits only air with left hook. Kate beckons her on with left glove - looking to play brunette matador to blond bull! Jenny stoops, feigns left hook, and slams right hand to the jaw - and that puts a shimmy in K-Beck’s knees! Neve Campbell ringside, “Dumb as a box of rocks … but she can hit a little with that straight right.” Jenny bullies Kate to ropes, left hook to ribs, brings it up to temple, Kate grabs to clinch. Tangled wrestling, Jenny screaming, “She’s f*cking holding!!!”. As the referee struggles to separate fighters, Jenny arches neck back and unleashes a hellacious head butt! British fans leaping out of seats and booing, Vixen’s corner screaming “Foul!”, Wiz ringside to referee “Hey … that was intentional”, Jenny notices the Wizard, Cassie and Neve and wishes them all a very nice evening. Bell rings and its a McCarthy round … but Mac on way to corner … and referee grabs her by wrist … leads to center ring … and he’s deducting a point!

And Jenny Mac is going berserk! Screaming at referee, “If you did your f*ckin’ job …” Now Scrubby McGee into ring … trying to wrestle McCarthy to corner but also jawing with referee … and THERE IS A SHOVE FROM BIG BAD GENA LEE NOLIN!!! Nolin has shoved the referee! Referee is signaling … and FCBA security removing Nolin from the ring … and now into Sceej corner … and laying down the law … one more incident and it’s a disqualification!!! Nolin being ejected from the arena! And all the while … Jenny McCarthy is getting ZERO rest between rounds!

McCarthy still jawing with ref … seconds ticking away … and there’s the bell to start round 3 … and McCarthy has not so much as sat down … still screaming … still arguing!

Ringside, Cassie Scerbo munching popcorn and clapping hands in delight, “What a show - like a circus!!!” (and not far wrong). Grand Wizard with wry smile and slowly shaking head, “In her prime she had all the physical tools … maybe coulda been her fighting for the Hall of Fame … but how can you be that … that ... “ (and voice trails off)

Round 3: Refreshed and focused Kate Beckinsale out of corner, left foot flat, right heel raised off canvas. Still hot J-Mac coming hard and is rebuffed with a stiff jab .. pap .. pap … pap … nose … forehead .. cheek! This is not the rangefinder - this jab is snapping blonde’s head back like a Pez dispenser (and every reader under forty is asking ‘What’s a Pez dispenser?”). Jenny with wild overhand right that Ray Charles could see coming, K-Becks slips it and whacks McCarthy flank and jaw with doubled left hook, then pivots away. She sneers and beckons the blonde “Come on!”. Jenny Mac red-faced .. big left hook … misses .. wild overhand right … misses … Neve Campbell leans over to Wiz, “Becks’ been watching tape … this is right out of the playbook! Taunt her … make her mad … watch her swing and miss and swing and miss … she’ll exhaust herself … THEN you go to work on her!”. As is on cue, Playmate is visibly huffing and puffing, leaden arms hanging low, and the brunette Brit backs her up with a stiff jab until McCarthy’s back touches the ropes. K-Becks feints left hook to head, J-Mac cringes and Becks bust her with a straight right hand to the sternum that draws a grunt, Becks then twists hips into left uppercut that telescopes blonde’s neck and has her slumping back into the cables … AND KAT WANTS THEM JUGGS! McCarthy leaning heavily on ropes, tired arms low and Kate Beckinsale puts on a show of blinding hand speed … sloshing that famous rack back and forth with shots from both hands and bouncing McCarthy mammaries with the uppercut! Jenny Mac’s money-makers undergoing some serious abuse! Bell rings and Beckinsale keeps pounding .. pure blind jug lust … until referee wrestles her away! AND NOW HE”S DEDUCTING A POINT FROM BECKINSALE FOR REPEATED HITTING AFTER THE BELL! Kate with a sniff and contemptuous glance. What had been a 10-8 round just became a 9-8 round … but she is ahead three rounds to none and more importantly, did serious damage to her opponent. The extra punishment inflicted on a dazed Jenny Mac tactically well outweighs a one point deduction in a round that the brunette wins anyway. Battered Playmate is helped to stool by Scrubby McGee … getting ice on the neck and tits … a discreet swig from a bottle of Jamesons.

Round 4: The Duchess out of corner with a grm smile, determined to end this thing and take a commanding 2-0 lead in the series. Right hand lead by Beckinsale to the temple rattles the blonde … right hand skidding off scalp … right hand … MISSES AND JENNY MAC LEAPS OUT OF CROUCH WITH THUNDERING LEFT HOOK TO BECKINSALE JAW! Becks staggers a half step back, eyes blinking in disbelief and McCarthy digs that left hook to the ribs. Kate backpedaling on unsteady feet - stunned by sudden reversal of fortune. McCarthy - once dim eyes now blazing - marching on her nemesis - walking through the “keep away for me” jab and thudding to Beck’s trim midriff with both hands. Kate clinches and blond force marches her to ropes and sets up shop. J-Mac set head under chin and lets hands go - pounding ribs, occasional little inside shots to sternum. When Becks looks to fold over, McCarthy working shoulder up and under and ratcheting her rival back upright. Left right left to the rib cage draws a grunt of pain from Kate; Jenny twists hips into a short inside uppercut that clips chin and the Brit sags into the ropes. Jenny pries Kate’s arms apart … AND MAC GOES RACK! Carpet bombing of the Beckinsale boobs … straight lefts and rights .. pancaking them as Kate sobs … bell rings and referee in quick … dragging off a smirkin’ chirpin’ J-Mac. British fans booing poor sportsmanship (conveniently forgetting Kate’s foul only three minutes earlier!). McCarthy spots Front street section ringside and crows, “Ya’ see that? Took it to her tits … not much of a target though!” Wizard smiling his best Jack Nicholson smile and asks Cassie Scerbo, “Tell me I’m wrong - was she just flirting with me?” . Frantic work in the Vixen coroner trying to revive a jugg shocked Kate Beckinsale.

Round 5: Shabby Kate Beckinsale off her stool and Jenny Mac with that shyte eating grin - search and destroy! Brunette tries to get up on toes to dance but legs not there. Jenny with dukes under chin, moving head side to side, as Becks looks to keep her off with the jab but lack of sting means she’s not exacting much of a toll and Mac able to slip some shots and walk through others. Extends arms and just shoves British fighter to the ropes. Pops hips right and digs left hook to the flank … then its that money hook to the liver and Kate is sagging like second hand furniture. Mac feints hook, drawing a cringe and blasts straight right off the forehead, snapping Beckinsale head back and then timing left uppercut perfectly. Long elegant neck telescopes and the Dutchess pitches forward face first … KTFO! Referee waives off the count and rolls her into her back to get the mouthpiece out.

Winner by knockout in the fifth round - Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy - and just like that the Coronation Series is tied at one victory each.

Referee straining to push back an exultantly out of control McCarthy, straddling unconscious opponent “How you like me now, Beeeyotch?!!”. Eventually, Bo Krsmanovic into ring Jenny squaring up with Big Bo, “You want some too? Huh? Cuz I barely broke a sweat taking out your little girlfriend!” Jenny glancing over shoulder - where the hell is the cavalry? … then recalling Big Bad Gena Lee was ejected. Saves face by pointing at Krsmanovic and warning “I’m gonna let you off with a warning … but I gotta beat this sl*t a couple more times … so watch your step!”

Post fight celebration in Sceej locker room tempered by FCBA official storming in to advise that both McCarthy and Nolin would face heavy fines for head butt and putting hands on an official respectively and that Nolin was suspended from appearing in Sceej corner for the reminder of the Coronation Series.