Kira Kosarin versus Jenny McCarthy (Bantamweight Title)

Cassie Scerbo “You mean we’re here to see if McCarthy can stay out of the intensive care unit after Kosarin is done with her!”

O’Dell sighs, “ … as Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy takes on the reigning and undisputed champion - Kira “The K.O. Kid” Kosarin - for the FCBA bantamweight title. And rather than have Jenny’s broadcast seat go empty, we have the privilege of welcoming to our broadcast team a woman who knows quite a bit about Jenny Mac and the bantamweight belt - five time bantamweight champion and FCBA Hall of Famer, Neve Campbell!

Tess Valmore, “ Neve, you look to be in great shape - has the advent of ‘cougar boxing’ even tempted you to get back into the ring?”

Neve Campbell, “Tess, I have accomplished everything I wanted to in this sport and am happily retired. Of course, if something crazy happens - like a ring light falls and hits Kosarin on the head and knocke her cold - and McCrazy should somehow win this thing … well, I might be back tomorrow! (laughs)”



O’Dell “(chuckles) Well, Neve, I think we know where you stand. Tess?”



Tess: “ Jenny I called this one a mismatch and I am serious. This fight should not be taking place - and I don’t mean because Jenny cut the line to get the shot. There is no way a forty seven year old woman …”



Cassie: “She’ll be forty eight in about four months (mischievous grin) … just sayin’!”



Tess (annoyed) “Cass, this is serious! There is no way a forty seven year old woman should be fighting Kira Kosarin - who is not yet even in her prime and is not only a great bantamweight champion but has given a tough time to bigger women like the GOAT herself - Charlize Theron! People think I don’t like Mac because, well, because she acts like an ass … but I do like her. I don;t think there’s any way she wins this fight but I do think she could get hurt - seriously hurt. I was very glad to see Palicki will be in the Sceej corner assisting Scrubby McGee because I trust Adrianne to throw in the towel if things get out of hand.”



JOD: “Cassie, your prediction?”



Cassie: “I agree with Tess … except for the part about liking Mac!”



JOD: “The fireworks should be starting anytime … and right on cue, there is that slap bass and you can all here Bobby Darin crooning … the song is “Mac the Knife” … and here she comes folks … accompanied by stablemate Adrianne Palicki and head trainer Scrubby McGee and his usual assistant, Jack Daniels … with a record of 67 wins and 62 losses … she is ranked 20th … when the bell rings she officially becomes the oldest woman to ever fight for an FCBA championship … Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy!”



Tess: “Huge applause from the crowd - J-Mac’s always had a hard core of fans and I guess everyone loves an underdog.

Neve: “Or maybe this place actually IS an asylum and these people applauding are nuts!”



Cassie: “Crowd’s showing a little better appreciation for talent as the cheers double … that’s LL Cool J “Mama Said Knock You Out!” and here comes the reigning bantamweight champion … just twenty two years old with a record of twenty six wins and only ten losses … this is her first defense of the title … she is accompanied to the ring by trainer Nadia Bjorlin and Amanda “Big Rig” Righetti … Kira “The K.O. Kid” Kosarin!”



Tess: “Both fighters and seconds in the ring. Robe comes off Jenny and it's that kelly green bikini top and matching boy cut shorts … white shamrock on one cup … white Playboy bunny head on the other … white gloves and boots … boots with kelly green tassels. Grinning and waving to fans … loving the moment …. Savoring the moment maybe? She has got to realize it's now or never on that elusive dream to re-capture the title she held once way back in 2009!”



JOD: “Forty seven years or not … Jenny McCarthy is still a force to be reckoned with in the disrobe!”



Neve: “All well and good … let’s see what happens when she gets hit!”



Cassie: “And Kira Kosarin is more than up to the challenge … stunning hardbody and boy does she look like she means business. Black sports bra, black boy cuts, black gloves, black boots … and a hard stare for McCarthy!”



Tess: “Fighters called to center of the ring for final instructions … nod of mutual respect between Amanda and Adrianne … not so the principals … Mac smirking and Kira with a cold stare … ref calls for fighters to touch gloves … and we are seconds away from the BATTLE OF THE AGES!”



Round 1:



JOD: :There’s the bell … and Jenny McCarthy sprinting across the ring like her car was being towed! Left hook to the ribs … left to the sternum … left right pounding the ribs .. twenty seconds in and Kira Kosarin is trapped in her corner and looks to be in trouble!!!”



Tess: “Jenny is going for it! We’ve seen this before - the so called ‘Mac Attack” - where Jenny just blitzes an opponent and tries to end the fight before her opponent knows its even started!”



JOD: “J-Mac with a step back. Feints the left and snaps Kira’s head back with that straight right hand!”



Neve: “Clinch! Kira - clinch!”



Cassie: “And we got Neve coaching! And to think Uncle Wiz told me you were going to Bonzo’s Gym to scout a possible trade! You were helping get Kosarin ready!”



Neve: “No comment … damn it Kira, wrap her up!”



Tess: “Kira reaching to tie up and Mac guts her with uppercut to sternum. Kira reaching with arms and finally able to spin and stumble out of her own corner but not on steady legs … with Jenny in hot pursuit. Not giving the younger woman a moments rest - this is a break neck pace Mac is setting.



JOD: “Kira waving with that “stay away from me” jab but Mac just walking through it … willing to take in order to give!



Cassie: “And now Kira digs that back foot in and fires the right - stops Jenny in her tracks!”



Neve: “But only for a moment .. and here comes McCarthy! When she’s mad, she gets stupid … correction, stupider! No head movement, just marching forward.”



Tess: “Marching forward and unleashing!!! Doubles the left hook … midriff and up to the jaw … Kira Kosarin hurt by that combination … and now the right bolo to the sternum … driving younger fighter back to the ropes!”



JOD: “Less than a minute left in the round - champion with her back to the ropes - and Jenny Mac is going all in!!! Left right left to the midriff … doubles the hook up top, one skids off scalp but the other clips the jaw … and Kira Kosarin’s knees buckle!!! Strong legs holding her up but the champion is clearly hurt! Kira raising gloves into that high guard and Jenny just pumping the right hand .. crashing into guard … punching way through guard … down the stretch, it is ALL J-Mac and there’s the bell and not a second too soon for a very battered champion! And Jenny Mac chesting up and telling Kira alllllllllllllllllll about it as referee has to forcibly separate the women, Nadia Bjorlin scolding ref “Control that blonde b*tch!”



Tess: “Got to score that a 10-8 round, even without a knockdown! Near total domination by Jenny Mac!”



Cassie: “Hate to say it but gotta agree, girlfriend!”



Neve: “Big first round for McCarthy - no doubt - but she burned a LOT of energy. Looks to me like the plan was to go all in for the first round knockout - and she failed. Never even got Kosarin off her feet! Now they go back to corners and Kira draws on those deep twenty two year old reserves and Jenny’s tank has got to be near empty.”



Round 2



JOD: “And there’s the bell for round 2 and just look at Jenny Mac - eyes just blazing with fury!



Cassie: “And Kira Kosarin raises gloves and yells ‘Bring it, Granny, bring it!’ I tell ya, Kira Kosarin is really starting to grow on me!”



Tess: “They are letting the hands fly! No quarter asked or given!”

Neve: “Left right to the head by McCarthy … Kosarin slips the right and hooks McCarthy to the ribs … doubles the hook and then brings it up to jaw … McCarthy stepping back for space … feints with left and cracks right hand off Kosarin forehead … Kira beckons her “Come on!” … dead game … McCarthy goes for the uppercut .. Kira snakes head back and then shifts weight to front foot, pops her hips right and buries that left hook to the liver!”



Cassie: “Jenny Mac sags like second hand furniture from that body shot! That liver hook looks very very familiar! Neve? Any comment?”



Neve: “I was at Bonzo’s scouting - that’s all I’m saying!”



JOD: “Mac looks to clinch and girls are wrestling center ring, digging toes into canvas, trying to work hands free … and suddenly Kira stumbles backward!”



Neve: “FOUL!!! She butted her!!! C’mon, ref!!!”



Tess: It was a butt! And it looked intentional … wait … ref taking McCarthy by glove … and he’s deducting a point! The referee is deducting a point for a deliberate butt.”



Cassie: “And Mac is all palms up and rolling eyes and what the hell are you talking about, ref???”



Neve: “Yeah … as clean and innocent as the driven trash of Chicago! You know … she fouled me repeatedly in one of our early fights - she was as bad as Nolin at her worst - and the refereeing was a lot more lax back then. Luckily - I brought my own referee!”



Cassie: “For those at home, Neve is holding up her left fist! THAT kind of referee!”



JOD: “Ref is giving Kira a full minute to clear her head and it is on again! Jenny jabbing her way in and then looks for that big right but it sales high and Kira digs hard to the body and draws a pained grunt from Jenny Mac!”



Tess: “Since we have the resident expert here, I’ll ask - Mac really does not like it to the body, does she, Neve?”



Neve: “McCarthy doesn’t like it to the body? Who does! As the Wiz says, I kid, Tess, but to answer you - in my experience - and I’ve fought over a hundred rounds with her if you include sparring from the Samdog days - no, Jenny does NOT take it well to the body!”



Cassie: “Wait? What? You and McCarthy were in the same stable?!!”



Neve: “Story for another time, Cass …”



JOD: “Fighters clinching, mauling, looking to just impose their will … this inside wrestling has got to favor the bigger younger woman and that’s Kosarin … Kira with cuffing shot to Mac’s ear … Mccarthy looking to come up the middle with uppercut, partially blocked … champions working her hands loose and just staying busy, batting blonde flanks, pounding tummy … J-Mac responding in spurts but looking grumpy as she is getting the worst of it .. again clinching … AND KOSARIN STAGGERING BACK … GUTSHOT …”



Neve: “FOUL! She went low! She went low, dammit ref, that’s a low blow!!!”



Tess: “And the referee is between the fighters … and … and he’s taking Jenny’s wrist … and HE’S DEDUCTING ANOTHER POINT!!! Referee is deducting another point from Jenny McCarthy … first an intentional butt and now a low blow!”



Cassie: “And McCrazy is LOSING it!”



JOD: “Oh this is so bad! Kira Kosarin sent to her own corner - she can take up to five minutes to recover or the fight could be declared a no contest. And in the meantime, Jenny McCarthy is working really hard on getting herself disqualified … absolutely screaming at referee … and she bumps him and that alone could get her DQ’d … and now it is Adrianne Palicki in the ring and THAT could technically lead to a DQ as she is wrapping J-Mac up and physically forcing her back to her corner to calm down … “



Tess: “ … and our mic is picking this up and Jenny is NOT calming down and people - you are going to hear some bad words!”



(Microphone picking up Jenny McCarthy) “... not a sorority pillow fight, you blind son of a b*tch … that was on the beltline - clean punch, you stupid f*ck … how much is Bonzo paying you? When I’m done with this punk, I’ll kick your f*ckin’ ass next!”



Tess: “Crowd is getting ugly too! Boos … a few beer bottles into the ring … they may HAVE to stop this fight!”



Cassie: “Hey girlfriend, think Jenny will pick up any of those beer bottles to see if there’s a sip or two left?”



Tess: “Not the time, BFF, this is serious! The arena is a powderkeg … some fights breaking out … those McCarthy fans in the green shirts with the white bunny head and the shamrock inside are getting very rowdy!”



JOD: “And in the ring, Kira Kosarin is saying she is ready to go and the war is back on! And Jenny sprints at her … and takes a double jab that knocks her head back … Mac with a wild right that misses and Kira with a short chopping left hook to the temple … Jenny twists into the uppercut and clips brunette chin … and there is the bell to end the round … but it does not end anything! Both women STILL punching!!! Referee struggling to separate them … corners in … Righetti pulling Kosarin back and Palicki really struggling to control an enraged Jenny McCarthy! And how you score that round? I just don’t know … has to be Kosarin round … 10-8? 9-8? 10-7?



Cassie: “Don’t sweat it too much, OD, one thing’s for sure - this fight is NOT going to the cards!”



Neve: “The thing that burns me is that they’re like free fouls!”



Tess: “Free fouls?”



Neve: “Look, it's pretty plain that McCarthy has decided she has one shot - an early knockout. McGee must have come up with the strategy because it happens to be a smart one. So if you know it’s not going to a decision, points don’t matter! And they can award Kira a dozen extra points when the blond b*tch fouls, point is - Kira is STILL damaged and she has to fight damaged. It’s a travesty!”



JOD: “In the ring, Jenny is refusing the stool … refusing coaching … she is still making abortive lunges at the referee and being restrained by Palicki … and she has just been warned that if she fouls one more time she will be disqualified and if you thought you saw a crazy woman before …”



(microphone picking up Mccarthy) : “... you son of a b*tch! You are not gonna steal my destiny … I’m going to f*cking …” (and microphone is cut)



Tess: “Palicki is physically pressing Jenny into her corner … and Jenny struggling to get loose … and Adrianne slaps Jenny! Never thought I’d see the day! Kid sister Adrianne slaps Jenny and is forcefully telling her to remember why she is here and what she worked for …”



Cassie: “And Jenny is just burning tons of energy … wrestling to get away from Palicki … and Kira Kosarin is sitting on her stool having her neck iced and listening to her trainer. It is so true - you can’t fix stupid!”



Round 3



JOD: “And there’s the bell for round three, and let me tell you folks, it feels like round thirty three the way this thing has been going! And no time wasted - they are right at each other. Jenny trying to jab her way in … Kira with gloves high … picking off the jabs … shoot little right hand to McCarthy midriff that pushes Mac back a step. Pace has slowed …”



Tess: “How could it NOT slow!”



JOD: “Good point, Tess! Kira moving head side to side … behind those high gloves … hooks wide with the left to spank the blonde’s flank … and again! Jenny fires back with right … Kira slips it. Girls circling each other … a little wary …”



Tess: “Kira batting McCarthy now … sticking tongue out … trying to prick that famous temper and make Mac do something stupid …

Cassie: “That shouldn’t be hard.”



JOD: “Kira feints with right - goes left hook - Mac ducks under and … KIRA KOSARIN IS DOWN! Straight right hand landed smack on the point of the chin and the champion is down …



Tess: “And Jenny McCarthy sprints to neutral corner - mounts the second rope and is beating her chest her glove screaming ‘I told ya .. I told ya all … gonna shock the world … shock the world!!!’ and Mac’s fans are going wild!”



Cassie: “Uhm … counts at six and Kira is up on one knee … just sayin’?”



Neve: “That’s it, kid … get up! Shake it off!”



JOD: “And Kosarin beats the count! Up at nine … crowd roaring and the only person in the building who does not know why is Mac the Knife!”



Tess: “Dear god … sh thinks they are all cheering for her!”



JOD: “Scrubby Mcgee and Adrianne Palicki trying in vai to get Jenny’s attention as the premature celebration continues! Now the referee tugs Jenny’s shorts from behind and tells her “Box!”



(Microphone picking up Jenny McCarthy): “Oh you again? (dismissive of the referee) Just raise my hand, get me my damned belt and then you can kiss my ... (and for the first time Jenny sees Kira Kosarin, grim faced and standing … gloves up … center ring … and Jenny’s face pales visibly) … sh-sh- sh … she’s up?”



Neve: “Oh, I KNOW that look!”



Cassie: “Fear?”



Neve: “Oh there’s some fear but mostly it’s confusion! You make McCarthy process too much information too fast and her brain goes into lockdown! She thought she already won … now she’s trying to process that she hasn’t. We used to laugh about it at Samdog!”



Tess: “That was some shot though! KIra’s still in trouble right, Neve?”



Neve: “Tess … you’re the one who makes the predictions but if you’re asking me - Kira finishes McCarthy this round!”



JOD: “Kira shaking her head and looking to clear cobwebs … and WHY is J-Mac not pressing?!! It’s boxing 101 - you got them hurt, keep them hurt! Kira backing off using jab to maintain distance … and finally Jenny pursuing … but hesitant! Willing to just trade jabs - when she does throw the right hand its tentative and Kosarin able to snake neck back. Kira getting a little bounce back in her legs now!”



Tess: “You’re right, Jenny! Down and near out in the first minute but that’s what youth will do for you - Kira is actually pressing the attack now and she is backing Mac up. Feigns the overhand right and again it's that thudding left hook to the liver and Jenny sagging like second hand furniture!”



Neve: “Kill the body and the head dies by itself!”



JOD: “... and it’s McCarthy looking to rally - as feels everything slipping away! Left hook by Mac but Kira slips it and pounds her own hook to the liver again… Jenny grunts in pain and clinches! Women wrestling … younger bigger girl imposing will … Mac twists and looks to go low and Kira pivots hip and takes punch flush on the hip - not the groin - solid bone!. Jenny pulls back .. shaking seemingly damaged right hand! Kira coldly focused - left right left to the head and Jenny’s head snapping back like a Pez dispenser! Guts her with big left to stomach and Mac just groping for the clinch but Kira not having it! Slides to her left … blasts right hand off the temple … another off the temple … twists hips and left uppercut to the chin …



Cassie: “And the Greatest Fighting Playmate of All Time is knocked flat on her ass!”



Tess: “What a turnabout this is! Kosarin … seemingly on the verge of losing her title … but showing a champion’s heart and coming back to floor J-Mac in the same round! Jenny trying to push up with right hand but legs are not there … dazed look … count is at “7” and she gets to one knee …”



Neve: “And pitches forward flat on her face - stick a fork in her, she’s done!””



JOD: “And the winner … in a stunning comeback … by knockout in the third round … and still FCBA bantamweight champion … Kira “the K.O. Kid” Kosarin!



Postfight



Tess: “ And the Sceej corner are guiding a staggering Jenny McCarthy back to her corner and she appears to be completely out of it!



Cassie: “And here comes Kira to claim tribute!!!”



JOD: “Palciki glowering but she knows the traditions of the FCBA - the Chin Checker has always been one of the great sports women of celebrity boxing but she is well aware Kira is within her rights - but that doesn’t mean Adrianne has to like it!”



Neve: “Jenny talked a ton of smack - as usual - and now the arm is twisted behind her back in a hammerlock for control and Kira taking her on a well deserved Walk of Shame!”



JOD: Once around the ring and it must feel like an eternity for Jenny and … what now? Bjorlin bringing the stool and a mic mid ring … and what the heck is that … a hairbrush? Kira Kosarin sitting on the stool and using that hammerlock to press McCarthy across her lap …



Tess: “I have a bad feeling about this!”



Neve: “I have a good feeling about this!”



(ring microphone picking up a dazed Jenny McCarthy): “Huh? Wh-What’s goin’ on? Whatta are ya doin’ …”



Tess: “Uhm - she’s pulling down Jenny’s shorts?!!”



Kira: “What am I doing? I tell you what I’m doing - forty seven freakin’ years old and you’re still nothing but a willful spoiled brat? I’m doing something your mama SHOULD have done forty years ago!”



(SMACK … WHACK … THWACK … as Kira Kosarin applies the hairbrush to Jenny McCarthy’s famous posterior!)



Jenny (eyes bolt wide open - she is MORE than alert now): “Owwwwwwwwww …”



Cassie: “She’s SPANKING her!!! I love it!!!”



JOD: “Errrrrr … fans, the truck informs me that we will be now joining the epic film version of the famous ballet “Swan Lake” … already in progress!”



Jenny: “OW … OW ... OW OW OW OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ...”