Halloween Havoc: Elizabeth Hurley v. Jenny McCarthy
Oct 31, 2019 12:42:04 GMT -6
Vassago, Lookout! Boxing, and 1 more like this
Post by sceej on Oct 31, 2019 12:42:04 GMT -6
Recent war of words between J-Mac and GBS stale comes to a head with team manager Elizabeth Hurley, still in clear fighting shape post 50, deciding to take matter into her own hands. Separate tables at press conference due to bad blood between McCarthy and GBS – Hurley haughty yet dignified at the mic, “Jenny has always been the most insufferable woman in the FCBA – and that is saying something. In point of fact, as my countrywoman Kate Beckinsale has pointed out, the FCBA was always founded to feature the boxing talents of actresses, singers and actual models, not glorified Page 3 girls whose ‘talent’ is limited to appearing topless. McCarthy and I were here at the founding of the FCBA twenty years ago in 1999 yet somehow over the course of those twenty years, she has avoided a well-deserved beating at my hands. Well, that ends now! This impudent ‘Playmate’ will feel a full measure of good English discipline, I assure you!”
McCarthy, for her part, bristles at anyone trying to push her into the “cougar” category. “Cougar? Not here, boys – are you getting a load of this? (displaying tight abs for the press with an exaggerated wink) I’m rounding into shape for a run at the bantamweight belts. When GBS started chirping, I figured they’d throw one of the kids at me … maybe Justice … but Hurley? What’s she gonna do – smack me with her cane? This fight is gonna be over in three hits – me hitting her, her hitting the canvas, and the ambulance hitting seventy as they take her to the hospital!” Some chortling from the press, some head shaking, some outrage from the British press at blatant disrespect for a British boxing icon but hey, what did you expect – it’s Jenny McCarthy!
GBS gets the last laugh when it is proposed that in the spirit of Halloween fight night, fighters come to ring wearing costumes from their most iconic roles. Hurley beaming as she opens box and holds up bright red cat suit she wore to portray the Devil in “Bedazzled”. Jenny opens box marked “1993 Playmate of the Year’ and flummoxed – “Hey, there’s no costume in here?” - joke sails right over her Playmate head as the GBS girls titter knowingly. Members of the press get the insider joke – Jenny’s path to fame was made wearing a coy smile … and nothing else!
Jenny Mac 8 years younger at 46 (and how 46 is ‘young’ in boxing is a mystery) and has been far more active of late, but barely over .500 record at 61 and 59 and a single bantamweight championship to her credit. Liz Hurley at 54 a cougar in every sense, but two inch height advantage, and the naturally and significantly bigger woman, with a far better record of 38 and 29 - has fought all the greats – the Cat Bells, the Charlize Therons – and beaten them! Not much of a puncher with 18 KOs on her record but that was hitting welters – many wonder if a much smaller bantamweight will crumble? Hurley also a masterful defensive fighter which could neutralize Jenny’s wild aggression. Throw in that Liz is a southpaw and she is established as odds on favorite to win.
Fight Night: Liz to the ring to the peals of “Rule Britannia” (British crowd travels well and going wild!). Sporting teal bikini that created recent internet sensation, flaunting washboard abs at 54 years of age, white gloves and boots, brunette locks in a battle braid, accompanied by GBS trainer Jeri Ryan and new GBS co-owner, the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton.
Kate Beckinsale doing commentary for Sky broadcast pronounces Hurley and Middleton to be “ magnificent examples of British womanhood! Fit … dignified … simply (last of Kate’s remarks are drowned out by the thumping of a slap bass over the sound system, followed by Bobby Darrin crooning “Oh the shark, babe … has such teeth dear …” and here comes Mac the Knife, accompanied by head trainer Scrubby McGee (who is in turn accompanied by Mister Jack Daniels) and Big Bad Gena Lee Nolin, Sceej Boxing’s enforcer – a hedge against the bad blood between Jenny and the GBS stable, who are seated in force ringside along with other FCBA luminaries. Jenny in black boots and gloves, hair pulled back in pony tail and juuuuuuuuust to piss off the British fans – kelly green bikini with white shamrock on one cup and Playboy bunny logo on the other! Ring instructions features Jenny clowning, sticking out tongue, rolling eyes … Elizabeth with cool contemptuous stare in response … seems to unsettle the blonde?
Round 1: J-Mac out of corner loose limbed and bouncy, left hand slung low, right tight to cheek, chin tucked. Liz Hurley in classic upright stance, signature of British boxing, legs shoulder length apart, dukes held high. Jenny gets up in toes and dances to Brit’s right, flicking jab … and get rung up by straight left!!! Jenny stumbling back disorganized as Elizabeth Hurley just blasted her on bridge on nose! Blonde reels into ring ropes and Kate Beckinsale has dropped all pretense (if there ever was any) of impartiality on Sky Broadcast, “YES! YES! Well struck! Smite her, Elizabeth! Finish the trull now!!!”. Back hitting the cables, Jenny Mac turtles up and waits for the storm … and she does not have to wait long! Liz Hurley jabbing purposefully with her right, then rings McCarthy up again with the straight left - Jenny seems clueless about how to defend against southpaw. McCarthy’s head knocked back repeatedly, swooning, she lurches forward to clinch. Bigger woman wrenches hips violently and McCarthy sprawls to the canvas center ring – British fans roar … then boo as referee signals “no knockdown” it was a push, not a punch. Jenny takes time getting to feet, has gloves wiped, and then looks to keep referee BETWEEN her and Hurley for as long as possible, running out the clock in what was a big first round for the British brunette!
Round 2: Jenny getting ice on her neck in the corner and Scrubby McGee exhorting her “She’s a southpaw! Circle away from dat big dam left and look to hit her wit right hand leads!”, Jenny nodding dutifully. GBS corner exultant, calling for more of the same … “She cannot stand up to your power, Elizabeth!”. Buzzer for seconds out and Big Bad Gene Lee Nolin hisses in McCarthy’s ear, “Do what you gotta do, Mac, whatever it takes, got it? Whatever it takes!”. Jenny Mac, far from fully recovered from the first round pummeling, braces in corner as Liz marched purposefully across the ring. Liz feints with the right jab and guts blonde with right to the gut, half bending her at waist. Playmate gropes for the clinch and the women wrestle roughly … and suddenly it is Elizabeth Hurley who is folded at the waist, gasping and ashen faced. McCarthy spins her onto ropes and begins to lay the leather to the body … the wrath of Mac! GBS corner screaming at ref. Beckinsale apoplectic on broadcast! “Foul! Foul! She hit her low!!!” K-Becks actually leaves broadcast desk and starts climbing into the ring, “I demand that this barbaric trollop be disqualified IMMEDIATELY! This is absolutely appalling! I demand that …” Beckinsale retreats as Jenny Mac disengages from Hurley and takes a swing at her! “ I shall be back … with the local constabulary!” she warns loudly as she makes her way out of the arena! For her part, McCarthy back at Liz Hurley, who has used respite to at least muster a defensive stance, Jenny carpet bombing with lefts and rights – brunette picking off many with gloves and forearms, but they still shudder her to the bones. Round McCarthy – WIDE!
GBS corner and ringsiders berating ref mercilessly, volume upped when big screen shows clear slow-motion of Jenny Mac digging shot to the brunette’s crotch. British fan’s booing lustily. In the Sceej corner, subtle head nod from Nolin to McCarthy. Do what you gotta do indeed!
Round 3: Jenny looking to close the show but big girl across the ring takes a beating better than the bantamweights she’s used to. Mac out of corner and looks to bully Hurley to ropes but Liz not having it, she spins Playmate and snaps head back with sharp one two. Jenny backs off, circles, getting leggy on the older woman … spitting the jab and not hanging around for the receipt … but Liz Hurley one of the best defensive fighters FCBS has ever seen. Now she is slipping the jab and finding Mac to the body with right hook. Settles into a tactical round, much circling, little action, probably round to McCarthy as the busier of the two but Liz content to take a round off as she gets legs back under her.
Round 4: After taking round off to recover, here comes Liz Hurley! Big brunette looking to bully the blonde bully, meets Jenny Mac mid ring and the two exchange hammer and tongs till Playmate is forced back by superior size and strength. Mac just can’t hold canvas against former welterweight champion and is pressed back to the ropes. Jenny baring teeth and winging lefts and rights but Hurley a great defensive fighter in her prime and slipping most of the counters. Jenny looks to spin out when backed to the ropes but corralled by the brunette and slung into the corner. Hurley just chugging hands, not haymakers, just overwhelming her blonde with volume; J-Mac sullenly taking it. Near bell, Hurley dips left and hooks Jenny to the trunks. Jenny’s eyes wide with shock and hurt! Ref wagging finger and warning of a point deduction. Liz Hurley forces eye contact with shell shocked Playmate. “I OWED you that one.”, she intones icily. Big round for Elizabeth Hurley! This fight is even with wild back and forth of rounds.
Round 5: Jenny again with the ice pack on the neck, Scrubby McGee warning, “Jenny goil – she’s gonna come hard! Ya can’t back up and ya can’t clinch – ya gotta get off foist!”. Liz Hurley out of corner narrow eyed in huntress mode. Women circle a moment, then Liz throws left hand lead … AND JENNY LANDS FIRST! Straight right hand right on the chin sits Liz Hurley down, blinking, disoriented, not expecting THAT kind of hitting power out of a bantamweight! Hurley to one knee at 6 and up at 8. Gena Lee roaring from Sceej corner, “Finish … FINISH!!!” Jenny on her opponent with Playmate fury, letting her hands go, all in and committed to the stoppage. Brunette groggy, trying to slip shots but reflexes not there. Big Mac bombing with the straight right to the head, digs left hook to the liver and then brings it up to ring the jaw … and MAC GOES RACK! Jenny firebombing the Hurley rack with gusto as opponent lolls helplessly on ropes … and the ref jumps in! TKO 5th round – Jenny “Mac the Knife’ McCarthy stops Elizabeth Hurley!
Post Fight: Hurley being ministered to on stool when Jenny Mac comes a callin’ – yanks weekly protesting Brit to her feet by wrist and takes her around the ring for a stumbling Walk of Shame. GBS ringsiders promising vengeance on McCarthy and exchanging threats with Big Bad Gena Lee. British fans booing lustily! As McCarthy starts a SECOND lap of the ring … ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Cue return of Kate Beckinsale .. and she HAS managed to get local law enforcement to accompany her!!!
“HER!!!” Beckinsale instructs loudly, “The blonde trollop! Arrest her immediately!” Incredibly, cops DO cuff J-Mac … struggling and cursing (as cops wonder aloud “what the hell is a trollop?”). As Jenny is led through ropes, K-Becks delivers a cuffing blow to the top of blonde pate - “May THIS teach you proper respect for your betters, you low-born trull!” – AND NOW THE COPS ARE CUFFING BECKINSALE FOR ASSAULT!!!
FCBA Enquirer: Special Halloween Edition “NO TREATS FOR THESE TWO TRICKS!”
Jenny McCarthy and Kate Beckinsale spend All Hallows Eve handcuffed to each other as they do an overnight in Las Vegas Central lock-up! Women purportedly start night fighting each other before being forced into rogue’s alliance to fight off various hookers, strippers, junkies and some persistent female bikers!
McCarthy, for her part, bristles at anyone trying to push her into the “cougar” category. “Cougar? Not here, boys – are you getting a load of this? (displaying tight abs for the press with an exaggerated wink) I’m rounding into shape for a run at the bantamweight belts. When GBS started chirping, I figured they’d throw one of the kids at me … maybe Justice … but Hurley? What’s she gonna do – smack me with her cane? This fight is gonna be over in three hits – me hitting her, her hitting the canvas, and the ambulance hitting seventy as they take her to the hospital!” Some chortling from the press, some head shaking, some outrage from the British press at blatant disrespect for a British boxing icon but hey, what did you expect – it’s Jenny McCarthy!
GBS gets the last laugh when it is proposed that in the spirit of Halloween fight night, fighters come to ring wearing costumes from their most iconic roles. Hurley beaming as she opens box and holds up bright red cat suit she wore to portray the Devil in “Bedazzled”. Jenny opens box marked “1993 Playmate of the Year’ and flummoxed – “Hey, there’s no costume in here?” - joke sails right over her Playmate head as the GBS girls titter knowingly. Members of the press get the insider joke – Jenny’s path to fame was made wearing a coy smile … and nothing else!
Jenny Mac 8 years younger at 46 (and how 46 is ‘young’ in boxing is a mystery) and has been far more active of late, but barely over .500 record at 61 and 59 and a single bantamweight championship to her credit. Liz Hurley at 54 a cougar in every sense, but two inch height advantage, and the naturally and significantly bigger woman, with a far better record of 38 and 29 - has fought all the greats – the Cat Bells, the Charlize Therons – and beaten them! Not much of a puncher with 18 KOs on her record but that was hitting welters – many wonder if a much smaller bantamweight will crumble? Hurley also a masterful defensive fighter which could neutralize Jenny’s wild aggression. Throw in that Liz is a southpaw and she is established as odds on favorite to win.
Fight Night: Liz to the ring to the peals of “Rule Britannia” (British crowd travels well and going wild!). Sporting teal bikini that created recent internet sensation, flaunting washboard abs at 54 years of age, white gloves and boots, brunette locks in a battle braid, accompanied by GBS trainer Jeri Ryan and new GBS co-owner, the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton.
Kate Beckinsale doing commentary for Sky broadcast pronounces Hurley and Middleton to be “ magnificent examples of British womanhood! Fit … dignified … simply (last of Kate’s remarks are drowned out by the thumping of a slap bass over the sound system, followed by Bobby Darrin crooning “Oh the shark, babe … has such teeth dear …” and here comes Mac the Knife, accompanied by head trainer Scrubby McGee (who is in turn accompanied by Mister Jack Daniels) and Big Bad Gena Lee Nolin, Sceej Boxing’s enforcer – a hedge against the bad blood between Jenny and the GBS stable, who are seated in force ringside along with other FCBA luminaries. Jenny in black boots and gloves, hair pulled back in pony tail and juuuuuuuuust to piss off the British fans – kelly green bikini with white shamrock on one cup and Playboy bunny logo on the other! Ring instructions features Jenny clowning, sticking out tongue, rolling eyes … Elizabeth with cool contemptuous stare in response … seems to unsettle the blonde?
Round 1: J-Mac out of corner loose limbed and bouncy, left hand slung low, right tight to cheek, chin tucked. Liz Hurley in classic upright stance, signature of British boxing, legs shoulder length apart, dukes held high. Jenny gets up in toes and dances to Brit’s right, flicking jab … and get rung up by straight left!!! Jenny stumbling back disorganized as Elizabeth Hurley just blasted her on bridge on nose! Blonde reels into ring ropes and Kate Beckinsale has dropped all pretense (if there ever was any) of impartiality on Sky Broadcast, “YES! YES! Well struck! Smite her, Elizabeth! Finish the trull now!!!”. Back hitting the cables, Jenny Mac turtles up and waits for the storm … and she does not have to wait long! Liz Hurley jabbing purposefully with her right, then rings McCarthy up again with the straight left - Jenny seems clueless about how to defend against southpaw. McCarthy’s head knocked back repeatedly, swooning, she lurches forward to clinch. Bigger woman wrenches hips violently and McCarthy sprawls to the canvas center ring – British fans roar … then boo as referee signals “no knockdown” it was a push, not a punch. Jenny takes time getting to feet, has gloves wiped, and then looks to keep referee BETWEEN her and Hurley for as long as possible, running out the clock in what was a big first round for the British brunette!
Round 2: Jenny getting ice on her neck in the corner and Scrubby McGee exhorting her “She’s a southpaw! Circle away from dat big dam left and look to hit her wit right hand leads!”, Jenny nodding dutifully. GBS corner exultant, calling for more of the same … “She cannot stand up to your power, Elizabeth!”. Buzzer for seconds out and Big Bad Gene Lee Nolin hisses in McCarthy’s ear, “Do what you gotta do, Mac, whatever it takes, got it? Whatever it takes!”. Jenny Mac, far from fully recovered from the first round pummeling, braces in corner as Liz marched purposefully across the ring. Liz feints with the right jab and guts blonde with right to the gut, half bending her at waist. Playmate gropes for the clinch and the women wrestle roughly … and suddenly it is Elizabeth Hurley who is folded at the waist, gasping and ashen faced. McCarthy spins her onto ropes and begins to lay the leather to the body … the wrath of Mac! GBS corner screaming at ref. Beckinsale apoplectic on broadcast! “Foul! Foul! She hit her low!!!” K-Becks actually leaves broadcast desk and starts climbing into the ring, “I demand that this barbaric trollop be disqualified IMMEDIATELY! This is absolutely appalling! I demand that …” Beckinsale retreats as Jenny Mac disengages from Hurley and takes a swing at her! “ I shall be back … with the local constabulary!” she warns loudly as she makes her way out of the arena! For her part, McCarthy back at Liz Hurley, who has used respite to at least muster a defensive stance, Jenny carpet bombing with lefts and rights – brunette picking off many with gloves and forearms, but they still shudder her to the bones. Round McCarthy – WIDE!
GBS corner and ringsiders berating ref mercilessly, volume upped when big screen shows clear slow-motion of Jenny Mac digging shot to the brunette’s crotch. British fan’s booing lustily. In the Sceej corner, subtle head nod from Nolin to McCarthy. Do what you gotta do indeed!
Round 3: Jenny looking to close the show but big girl across the ring takes a beating better than the bantamweights she’s used to. Mac out of corner and looks to bully Hurley to ropes but Liz not having it, she spins Playmate and snaps head back with sharp one two. Jenny backs off, circles, getting leggy on the older woman … spitting the jab and not hanging around for the receipt … but Liz Hurley one of the best defensive fighters FCBS has ever seen. Now she is slipping the jab and finding Mac to the body with right hook. Settles into a tactical round, much circling, little action, probably round to McCarthy as the busier of the two but Liz content to take a round off as she gets legs back under her.
Round 4: After taking round off to recover, here comes Liz Hurley! Big brunette looking to bully the blonde bully, meets Jenny Mac mid ring and the two exchange hammer and tongs till Playmate is forced back by superior size and strength. Mac just can’t hold canvas against former welterweight champion and is pressed back to the ropes. Jenny baring teeth and winging lefts and rights but Hurley a great defensive fighter in her prime and slipping most of the counters. Jenny looks to spin out when backed to the ropes but corralled by the brunette and slung into the corner. Hurley just chugging hands, not haymakers, just overwhelming her blonde with volume; J-Mac sullenly taking it. Near bell, Hurley dips left and hooks Jenny to the trunks. Jenny’s eyes wide with shock and hurt! Ref wagging finger and warning of a point deduction. Liz Hurley forces eye contact with shell shocked Playmate. “I OWED you that one.”, she intones icily. Big round for Elizabeth Hurley! This fight is even with wild back and forth of rounds.
Round 5: Jenny again with the ice pack on the neck, Scrubby McGee warning, “Jenny goil – she’s gonna come hard! Ya can’t back up and ya can’t clinch – ya gotta get off foist!”. Liz Hurley out of corner narrow eyed in huntress mode. Women circle a moment, then Liz throws left hand lead … AND JENNY LANDS FIRST! Straight right hand right on the chin sits Liz Hurley down, blinking, disoriented, not expecting THAT kind of hitting power out of a bantamweight! Hurley to one knee at 6 and up at 8. Gena Lee roaring from Sceej corner, “Finish … FINISH!!!” Jenny on her opponent with Playmate fury, letting her hands go, all in and committed to the stoppage. Brunette groggy, trying to slip shots but reflexes not there. Big Mac bombing with the straight right to the head, digs left hook to the liver and then brings it up to ring the jaw … and MAC GOES RACK! Jenny firebombing the Hurley rack with gusto as opponent lolls helplessly on ropes … and the ref jumps in! TKO 5th round – Jenny “Mac the Knife’ McCarthy stops Elizabeth Hurley!
Post Fight: Hurley being ministered to on stool when Jenny Mac comes a callin’ – yanks weekly protesting Brit to her feet by wrist and takes her around the ring for a stumbling Walk of Shame. GBS ringsiders promising vengeance on McCarthy and exchanging threats with Big Bad Gena Lee. British fans booing lustily! As McCarthy starts a SECOND lap of the ring … ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Cue return of Kate Beckinsale .. and she HAS managed to get local law enforcement to accompany her!!!
“HER!!!” Beckinsale instructs loudly, “The blonde trollop! Arrest her immediately!” Incredibly, cops DO cuff J-Mac … struggling and cursing (as cops wonder aloud “what the hell is a trollop?”). As Jenny is led through ropes, K-Becks delivers a cuffing blow to the top of blonde pate - “May THIS teach you proper respect for your betters, you low-born trull!” – AND NOW THE COPS ARE CUFFING BECKINSALE FOR ASSAULT!!!
FCBA Enquirer: Special Halloween Edition “NO TREATS FOR THESE TWO TRICKS!”
Jenny McCarthy and Kate Beckinsale spend All Hallows Eve handcuffed to each other as they do an overnight in Las Vegas Central lock-up! Women purportedly start night fighting each other before being forced into rogue’s alliance to fight off various hookers, strippers, junkies and some persistent female bikers!
