Tina Louise versus Jessica Chastain (Cougar Title)

Tale of the Tape (Cougar Title):

Tina Louise (10-3-0, 10 KO)
5'7, 42 years old, 34D
Celebrity Wrestling Federation
Cougar Title Holder

vs.

Jessica Chastain (19-9-0, 19 KO)
5'4, 47 years old
The Dollhouse

(Written by Celebrity Wrestling Federation/Results by Lookout!)

Intro:
"AND NOW! Making her 14th appearance in the ring. Please welcome the Victoria, Australia native, standing 5 foot 7, weighing in at 120 pounds, THE CURRENT COUGAR TITLE HOLDER, TINAAAA LOUISSSSEEEEE!!”

Tina was salaciously clad in a pale-white, sheer bikini that clung to her heavy D-cups as if it were painted on her skin. The thin-banded bandeau top did little to contain her massive, overflowing chest; her heaving orbs swelling as though they were fastened with a belt rather than a bikini top given the ample cleavage and underboob. The Aussie’s bronzed, tatted skin glimmered with a light sheen of perspiration; her pixie-cut locks already soaked through and matted with sweat. Heavy, thick eye-liner coated her long lashes; the smoke from her mascara mixing with the flush of her rosy cheeks as she waved to throngs of fans. The biting floss of her string thong bottoms was lost to folds of flesh as it trailed between her plump ass cheeks, grinning ear-to-ear with a toothy smile as she slid lewdly into the ring.

The challenger, Jessica Chastain, was much more modestly dressed; though one wouldn’t expect her to challenge Louise in bawdiness. Clad in a teal sports bra and cheeky, boy-cut spandex bottoms, Chastain reveled in her opportunity to snatch the Cougar Title and secure her first ever belt. Quite a results-pretzel had been woven at the top of the Cougar ranks since the Cougar Tournament in June of 2023. Jessica’s stablemate, Katheryn Winnick, had likely passed along all the trade secrets after facing Louise in the semifinals; though Winnick hadn’t managed to secure the belt for herself. Winnick had fallen to McCarthy, Chastain had beaten McCarthy, Louise and Chastain had beaten Kardashian, Winnick had beaten Louise and Chastain; it was an indecipherable mess. Considering the relative greenness of the Aussie, it felt as though this bout was a coin-flip.

Round 1:
To Louise’s credit, the Champ had said all the right things in the lead-up; detailing her adoration for Chastain as a fighter and even more so, an actress. With a cordial glove tap, the belt was back on the line and things got underway.

Chastain was uber aggressive and confident early; ducking into the bigger Aussie and eating up her time and space to operate. A THUMPING hook to flatten Tina’s rack, tap-tap-jab to the lips, a chunking hip shot; Louise was systematically broken down and buckled before kicking into a light retreat just a minute in. Tina swelled back with an electrifying overhand that just slid over a rolling shoulder; freezing the redhead before scooping an underhand that sounded off Jessica’s flexing midsection with a fleshy CLAP. Chastain crunched her abdomen to eat the tester before athletically swiveling through a retort; PUMPING a gag-inducing right into Louise’s pierced navel, then rattling her teeth with a silky uppercut to the chin. Louise fluttered and backed off, skipping around the outskirts for the last thirty as she nodded along to instructions on the fly from her corner. Chastain doesn’t over-extend to chase, content to take the round and let Louise off her hook for now. 10-9 Chastain.

Round 2/3:
Perhaps Louise’s reverence for the actress opposing her had taken some of the sting off her gloves in the opener, but after a breather she was a completely different fighter. The defending Champion swarmed out of the gates in the second with venom dripping off her strikes; lashing a torrid flurry to break down and back Chastain into the ropes. Hook to the gut, right-left-right to the ribs, THUMPING left swept across her cheek. Chastain wobbled and flung her own two-piece reply, only to have her hands dismissively swatted away and another stiff drink poured down her throat. Straight left to the lips, FEROCIOUS side-winding right to the temple; Louise was bouncing around with aggravating amounts of energy, using her lank to create unique angles to throw that Chastain couldn’t reach herself.

By the third round, Chastain looked to be stuck in a bear-trap; wincing along the ropes as Tina chunked incrementally-weighty bombs off her failing heat-shield. A thundering overhand rocked Jess into the ropes; the rubber bowing and trampolining her back out for another pair of jabs to seep through her cracking guard. Left to her flushed cheek, RIGHT to her clavicles; Chastain’s thighs pinched inward as she sagged lower beneath Louise’s pressure. In the last thirty Tina hammered away like she was beating a drum; right-right-left to Chastain’s modest bust, scythe-combo to her navel, liver, ribs, CHIN. Chastain hunkered down and hid behind her forearms, limping to the break and falling well behind after a pair of 10-8 drubbings.

Round 4/5:
Louise eagerly skipped out for more of the same; Chastain looking worse for wear as Tina offered the first handful of uncontested barbs to start the fourth. A right snuck through to the Sacramento native’s forehead, a left cutting through her ribs; backing Chastain off and to the peripheral of the pursuant Aussie. Louise’s foot was through the pedal and on the floor, practically sprinting after the actress as they balletically danced across the ring. Chastain had a palm extended to keep Louise somewhat at bay, pawing at the platinum-blonde’s springy chest as she ducked and chased. Louise had finally seen enough of the stall tactic, swiping down on Chastain’s wrist and clearing the runway for a vaulting right overhand. Thump, thump, CRACK.

“Kuhh… Nggghh… GOOOHHHLL” Louise’s slender side suddenly caved in as Chastain pulled a bitter three-tap out of absolutely NOWHERE. Just as Tina swatted at Jessica’s extended arm, the crafty redhead tucked a virulent scoop-hook beneath the curve of Louise’s ribs, then a higher volley to pierce her bust, then a BUCKLING right to snap her jaw. Louise floundered to her heels, both arms pinwheeling as she careened toward the far corner. Her long, smoky lashes fluttered, throatily whimpering as she gracelessly backpedaled, Jessica scampering after her. Louise was LOST, drifting in a heady daze and giving Chastain her side; the redhead rotating to the Aussie’s back to hide her blade before slinging a WICKED cross through Tina’s flushed cheek. The Aussie’s frame stiffened, seizing as she tipped sideways, drooling her mouthpiece to the mat and crashing down after it flat on her chest.

1… 2… The Aussie’s frame bounced and skid to a stop on her chest, her heavy rack swelling and buoying her sternum with rapid, uneven pants for air. Still conscious, Louise sputtered and coughed as she unraveled to her side, her features twisted as she gracelessly flopped spread eagle on her backside.

3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… Louise laid mouth-agape on her back for what felt like an eternity; the frantic call of her corner finally piercing the white noise and spurring the Champion to scurry to her feet. Wobbling but able to posture without the aid of the ropes, Louise’s glassy bulbs met the official’s and convinced him she was good to go; the waning seconds of the fourth expiring as she was declared fit to continue. Chastain STUNS Louise with her first bit of offense in nearly three rounds, flooring her and getting right back in this contest.

The momentum shift would continue for Chastain in the fifth; running circles around a zombified Louise and making up for lost time with barrels of punches. Chastain takes back-to-back rounds 10-8, 10-9 to level this Championship contest at the midway point.

Round 6:
Louise looked like a dead woman walking; her bandeau top soaked-through and sheer with sweat, shoulder-length locks matted, clinging to life as she trudged out for the sixth. Chastain had seen better days as well, but her trajectory appeared to be inversely upwards. Jessica once again got the better end of the early trade; slicing through with a punctual heart-punch that stopped Louise in her tracks as she reared for a heavy overhand. Tina’s heart skipped a beat as Chastain winded through another pattering one-two to her tits; nearly springing them free as she pushed into Louise and rode her into the ropes. Cornered somewhat, Louise erupts; pounding diagonal uppercuts into the challenger’s chin. Jess answers with a FEROCIOUS left to the cheek, Louise spit-taking a bloody mouthful as a flurry opens up.

Hook to the ribs from Chastain, uppercut-cross to the jawline from Louise, straight right to the rack from the challenger, BRUTAL hook-hook to the navel from the Champion. Louise wiggled free as the last bifurcating scythe made Chastain wilt forward, sprawling over the ropes before rolling off. Jess was sucking wind, her hands hanging low as she tried to summon a scoop-hook from her waist and reach Louise’s jaw. Instead the Aussie found the whip somehow, vaulting into Chastain and collapsing with reckless pressure; rattling right to the forehead, left to the liver, rack, ribs, HOOK TO THE CHIN. Chastain’s features crinkled as her skull slung sideways, whimpering as the aftershock of Louise’s electric left hand crumpled her to her knees.

1… 2… 3… 4… 5… The redhead buried her head against the canvas for a double-take; sprawling as she sucked wind and curled against the mat. Louise was too gassed to celebrate, non-verbally begging Chastain to stay down as Jessica boldly began to rise.

Up before six, Chastain put on a brave face and strode into Louise; swinging wildly with a left, then a right, then another handful. Tina slid to her heels, stalling out the redhead’s limited reach with space. Chastain was stretched thin, on her toes as she whiffed three straight; then THWACK. Louise sprung forward and STAMPED a left against Chastain’s lips, buckling the challenger. Jessica wobbled to her side, lawn-chaired by a merciless liver shot, then two more to the gut. Uppercut to the underside of her rack, hook-hook tearing through her ribs, left to the cheek; Chastain lost her wits as she careened into Louise’s bust and pulled a dumbfounded clinch. Jessica’s pupils darted as she lost track of where she was, hugging Louise around the waist and spilling clumsily to her knees. The referee jumps in and Chastain is DONE! SHE CAN’T STAND.

"And your winner, by TKO in Round 6, AND STILLLLLL THE COUGAR TITLE HOLDER, TINA LOUUUUUIIISSSEEEE!!!!"