Post by Lookout! Boxing on Nov 27, 2022 11:11:40 GMT -6
Queen of the Beach
Jenny McCarthy (Sceej) v. Kate Upton (Lookout)
(results: Lookout; words: Sceej)
Well, sports fans, it is hot on the beach and that ain’t all as Kate Upton prepares to defend her Queen of the Beach title on the sands on Malibu - and her opponent is no stranger to the California sand, where she has been throwing hands since the 1990s - and I am referring to the (self proclaimed) Greatest Fighting Playmate of All Time - Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy.
Beach set up consists of grandstand, then ringside seating and four posts in the sand, three strands of rope draped loose - being knocked/pushed out of the ring a constant concern in beach boxing. Lots of FCBA luminaries in those ringside seats; conspicuous by their absence are ANY representatives of Sceej Boxing. Rumor is that Scrubby McGee was furious that Jenny made this challenge. Sceej Boxing purportedly forbidden from attending or working corner, this despite pleading from Adrianne Palicki to the effect that “She needs someone there to look out for her!”
And speaking of concern - many respected boxing personalities concerned that this bout is even taking place between a 30 year old four time welterweight champion, in her prime (and in the FCBA Hall of Fame!!!) and a 50 year old with a sub-.500 record who held the bantamweight title exactly once (despite competing in the FCBA for almost 25 years) and who is rumored to have had her first bout in the Playboy mansion before her opponent was born!!!
No one more outspoken regarding this bout than Tess Valmore of the prestigious Tractropull magazine and a close personal friend of Upton (and longtime frenemy of McCarthy):
“This fight should not be sanctioned! This fight should not be happening! I sincerely hope that someone in the FCBA organization will come to their senses and call it off! It will be a massacre and someone could be severely hurt!”
First to the ring, wearing the scarlet bikini of her youth (still fits!) to the strains of “Return of the Mac” is Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy - looking fighting fit despite her age (“Just a number” as she will tell anyone who will listen). Jenny looking wild eyed and in a lather, she has clearly psyched herself into a rage - we will see how well that serves her. “Killer Queen” trumpeted from sound system and here comes the reigning Queen of the Beach - resplendent in gold bikini - Kate “the Queen” Upton - Upton looking almost smugly confident.
Referee takes a look at the raging Playmate and decides to forego request for mid ring formalities and signals for the bell …
Round 1: And Jenny Mac roaring out of corner, looking to launch patented “Mac Attack” blitz and end fight before other girl has realized its started - and she overlooks that NO ONE can move very fast in sand! Instead she runs into classic one-two (left jab, straight right hand) from the champion which stops her in her tracks! Playmate responds with wide left hook, partially blocked, and absorbs a digging left hand to the sternum that sends her stumbling back two steps. Mac stunned into patience, settles in behind high guard, as Upton uses reach to pepper her with jab from distance. Steady pap pap pap - some picked off but some pecking McCarthy visage, goading her into action. She throws big overhand right, Upton slips to side and counters with cuffing left hand to the temple, pushes smaller woman back and off balance and pounds left right to the midriff. McCarthy scores tasty little uppercut to chin and clinches - where she gets her first taste of the taller bigger younger woman’s physical strength! Kate able to walk Jenny back to the ropes, press her back so she is sitting deep in loose cables, and then work hands free to pound up and down - midriff, shoulder, jaw, temple. Angry and desperate, Jenny Mac responds with a forearm across the teeth - referee separates fighters and is wagging finger in McCarthy’s face over blatant foul. Bell rings and the Queen has banked a very dominant first round!
Round 2: Upton smiling serenely out of corner, McCarthy face furrowed with concentration. Mac circling away from the Upton jab and fighting at closer corners on her terms. A lot of forehead on forehead in fighting, snatching hooks to midriff, uppercut to the tits. Weight of shot favoring the big girl, but little blonde able to flash some hands speed, drawing crowd roaring to its feet with a four punch jug mugging combination that has the champion disengaging, looking all “how could you?”. Close round but the jug mugging stuck in the judges’ minds and likely steals the round for McCarthy.
Round 3: The great Hall of Famer Jenny O’Dell once said of McCarthy, “She brawls like a Navy Seal on shore leave, but she can also box like Billy Conn - why she doesn’t - no one knows. Probably SHE doesn’t know - Jenny gonna Jenny!”. Fighting up on her toes out of the question in soft shifting sand, but J-Mac still shifty and elusive. She’s in - slashing left hook and right hand straight from the shoulder - and then she’s gone. Upton made to look plodding by comparison - heaving left hook in retaliation that does nothing but provide a little breeze. When bigger model clinches, looking to impose will, Mac spins her and sneaky with the rabbit punch to the back of her head. The Queen reduced to complaining to referee; which had McCarthy taunting “Awwwwww - poor you!”. Kate has her moments - particularly late in round where she shoves Playmate into ropes and nails her straight right between eyes while she is off balance that puts a shimmy in Jenny’s knees. Still third round is clearly McCarthy and has SOME people re-thinking the mismatch prognostication!
Ringside, Front Street in effect, as well as Kate Beckinsale, among others. Man in the Hat asks Cassie Scerbo, “Notice anything, Princess?” and a perturbed Scerbo replies, “Yeah - McMuffin’s gotten herself back in this fight, big time!”. Wizard serene, “Look closer, kid … see the little things. Its gotta be 90 degrees and McCrazy is sweating like a bull. Breathing heavy. She’s poured everything she had into three rounds - there’s nothing left in the tank! Now look at Upton - she’s not exactly ‘fresh’ but she’s got reserves on reserves to draw on. That last round? That was it - that was McMouthy’s shot! Now she’s in trouble!”
Round 4: Kate out of corner focused and purposeful. By contrast, McCarthy looking wild eyed. Heave huge right hand lead that Ray Charles could see coming and Upton slips with ease and cracks counter left hook to the temple that sends off balance bantamweight stumbling. McCarthy digs feet into sand to stop momentum and is planted - she takes a snappy jab to the face, left hook to the body from Kate. Kate doubles the hook and draws a grunt from the older blonde. Bigger woman ties up and walks Playmate backward with sheer strength until Jenny’s back is to the ropes; then Upton sets up shop. Oh the sustained body work! Kate with head on Mac’s sternum, subtly shifting weight from front left foot to rear right foot and popping hips to the side for torque as she buries glove into midriff and ribcage. Once brash blonde groaning and mouth breathing, whimpering during sustained body barrage. Ringside, Neve Campbell leans toward Grand Wizard with hint of a smirk, “She never could take it to the body!”. Ringsiders speculating that the knockout is there for the taking - is Upton deliberately extending the fight to punish her mouthy opponent? At the bell, Kate chest up and whispers, “See ya’ in sixty seconds, bytch!”. Hollow eyed Jenny McCarthy stumbles gingerly to her corner, ribs and midriff pounded pink by relentless Upton body punching!
Round 5: Bell sounds and Jenny off her stool creaky, abdominals cramping up and wondering how in the hell a minute could go by THAT FAST! And across the ring is a bigger woman who looks disturbingly fresh. Mac raises gloves to chin, tucks elbows to protest those barbecued ribs and trudges across the sand. The Queen flicking with rapier jab, maintaining distance, pecking, scoring, goading the Playmate, trying to force her to come out of defensive shell. Verbally taunting “C’mon, you gonna fight back? You gonna fight or not? Everyone’s watching … you gonna punk?” Hot tempered Jenny Mac lashes out in frustration with a wild right hand - and eats a three punch combination in return! Left hook to the jaw - straight right between the eyes - left hook to the ribs! McCarthy is hurt! Trying to answer - jab but slow and nothing on it. Kate Upton with classic one-two - left jab and right cross - and J-Mac caught flat footed - feet parallel and off balance. And Kate the Great again with the one-two … McCarthy stumbles … eyes glassy/ Kate with straight right hand to the eye … straight right hand to the cheekbone … crowd up it’s feet … Jenny is ready to go! The Queen theatrically kisses her right glove before slamming it into dazed Playmate’s chin. Jenny McCarthy blasted flat on her back, ref picks up the ten count but its a formality - could have been a hundred count - winner by knockout in the fifth round and still Queen of the Beach - Kate Upton!!!
Post fight: As various officials and medical personnel manage to bring McCarthy back from the Twilight Zone with ice on her neck and smelling salts, Kate Upton arrives in the corner to claim her prize. “Step aside boys“ she chuckles, grabbing a handful of blond mane and painfully lifts the beaten Playmate to her feet, “Me and this washed up bimbo got some walking to do! But first …”
And the Queen roughly shoves Jenny into the corner, draped over the ropes. A couple of deft plucks of the strings and Kate is swinging that fabled bikini top around her head, with Jenny quickly covering up her chest. Tosses it to ringside fans where it lands in Cassie Scerbo’s lap. Cassie squeals “Cooties!” and pushes the garment off - ultimately the top is claimed by a beaming Kate Beckinsale, who cheekily asks Upton if both she AND Jenny would mind autographing it for her! Kate lecturing Jenny that she “owes” the fan a show after less than five rounds of boxing! Using handful of hair to control her, she takes a dazed but protesting J-Mac for a full turn Walk of Shame - and when Jenny tries to dig heels into sand to stop the “tragedy of justice”, Kate only too happy to prod her back into action with resounding clap of her bare hand on that firm Playmate buttocks!.
Jenny McCarthy (Sceej) v. Kate Upton (Lookout)
(results: Lookout; words: Sceej)
Well, sports fans, it is hot on the beach and that ain’t all as Kate Upton prepares to defend her Queen of the Beach title on the sands on Malibu - and her opponent is no stranger to the California sand, where she has been throwing hands since the 1990s - and I am referring to the (self proclaimed) Greatest Fighting Playmate of All Time - Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy.
Beach set up consists of grandstand, then ringside seating and four posts in the sand, three strands of rope draped loose - being knocked/pushed out of the ring a constant concern in beach boxing. Lots of FCBA luminaries in those ringside seats; conspicuous by their absence are ANY representatives of Sceej Boxing. Rumor is that Scrubby McGee was furious that Jenny made this challenge. Sceej Boxing purportedly forbidden from attending or working corner, this despite pleading from Adrianne Palicki to the effect that “She needs someone there to look out for her!”
And speaking of concern - many respected boxing personalities concerned that this bout is even taking place between a 30 year old four time welterweight champion, in her prime (and in the FCBA Hall of Fame!!!) and a 50 year old with a sub-.500 record who held the bantamweight title exactly once (despite competing in the FCBA for almost 25 years) and who is rumored to have had her first bout in the Playboy mansion before her opponent was born!!!
No one more outspoken regarding this bout than Tess Valmore of the prestigious Tractropull magazine and a close personal friend of Upton (and longtime frenemy of McCarthy):
“This fight should not be sanctioned! This fight should not be happening! I sincerely hope that someone in the FCBA organization will come to their senses and call it off! It will be a massacre and someone could be severely hurt!”
First to the ring, wearing the scarlet bikini of her youth (still fits!) to the strains of “Return of the Mac” is Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy - looking fighting fit despite her age (“Just a number” as she will tell anyone who will listen). Jenny looking wild eyed and in a lather, she has clearly psyched herself into a rage - we will see how well that serves her. “Killer Queen” trumpeted from sound system and here comes the reigning Queen of the Beach - resplendent in gold bikini - Kate “the Queen” Upton - Upton looking almost smugly confident.
Referee takes a look at the raging Playmate and decides to forego request for mid ring formalities and signals for the bell …
Round 1: And Jenny Mac roaring out of corner, looking to launch patented “Mac Attack” blitz and end fight before other girl has realized its started - and she overlooks that NO ONE can move very fast in sand! Instead she runs into classic one-two (left jab, straight right hand) from the champion which stops her in her tracks! Playmate responds with wide left hook, partially blocked, and absorbs a digging left hand to the sternum that sends her stumbling back two steps. Mac stunned into patience, settles in behind high guard, as Upton uses reach to pepper her with jab from distance. Steady pap pap pap - some picked off but some pecking McCarthy visage, goading her into action. She throws big overhand right, Upton slips to side and counters with cuffing left hand to the temple, pushes smaller woman back and off balance and pounds left right to the midriff. McCarthy scores tasty little uppercut to chin and clinches - where she gets her first taste of the taller bigger younger woman’s physical strength! Kate able to walk Jenny back to the ropes, press her back so she is sitting deep in loose cables, and then work hands free to pound up and down - midriff, shoulder, jaw, temple. Angry and desperate, Jenny Mac responds with a forearm across the teeth - referee separates fighters and is wagging finger in McCarthy’s face over blatant foul. Bell rings and the Queen has banked a very dominant first round!
Round 2: Upton smiling serenely out of corner, McCarthy face furrowed with concentration. Mac circling away from the Upton jab and fighting at closer corners on her terms. A lot of forehead on forehead in fighting, snatching hooks to midriff, uppercut to the tits. Weight of shot favoring the big girl, but little blonde able to flash some hands speed, drawing crowd roaring to its feet with a four punch jug mugging combination that has the champion disengaging, looking all “how could you?”. Close round but the jug mugging stuck in the judges’ minds and likely steals the round for McCarthy.
Round 3: The great Hall of Famer Jenny O’Dell once said of McCarthy, “She brawls like a Navy Seal on shore leave, but she can also box like Billy Conn - why she doesn’t - no one knows. Probably SHE doesn’t know - Jenny gonna Jenny!”. Fighting up on her toes out of the question in soft shifting sand, but J-Mac still shifty and elusive. She’s in - slashing left hook and right hand straight from the shoulder - and then she’s gone. Upton made to look plodding by comparison - heaving left hook in retaliation that does nothing but provide a little breeze. When bigger model clinches, looking to impose will, Mac spins her and sneaky with the rabbit punch to the back of her head. The Queen reduced to complaining to referee; which had McCarthy taunting “Awwwwww - poor you!”. Kate has her moments - particularly late in round where she shoves Playmate into ropes and nails her straight right between eyes while she is off balance that puts a shimmy in Jenny’s knees. Still third round is clearly McCarthy and has SOME people re-thinking the mismatch prognostication!
Ringside, Front Street in effect, as well as Kate Beckinsale, among others. Man in the Hat asks Cassie Scerbo, “Notice anything, Princess?” and a perturbed Scerbo replies, “Yeah - McMuffin’s gotten herself back in this fight, big time!”. Wizard serene, “Look closer, kid … see the little things. Its gotta be 90 degrees and McCrazy is sweating like a bull. Breathing heavy. She’s poured everything she had into three rounds - there’s nothing left in the tank! Now look at Upton - she’s not exactly ‘fresh’ but she’s got reserves on reserves to draw on. That last round? That was it - that was McMouthy’s shot! Now she’s in trouble!”
Round 4: Kate out of corner focused and purposeful. By contrast, McCarthy looking wild eyed. Heave huge right hand lead that Ray Charles could see coming and Upton slips with ease and cracks counter left hook to the temple that sends off balance bantamweight stumbling. McCarthy digs feet into sand to stop momentum and is planted - she takes a snappy jab to the face, left hook to the body from Kate. Kate doubles the hook and draws a grunt from the older blonde. Bigger woman ties up and walks Playmate backward with sheer strength until Jenny’s back is to the ropes; then Upton sets up shop. Oh the sustained body work! Kate with head on Mac’s sternum, subtly shifting weight from front left foot to rear right foot and popping hips to the side for torque as she buries glove into midriff and ribcage. Once brash blonde groaning and mouth breathing, whimpering during sustained body barrage. Ringside, Neve Campbell leans toward Grand Wizard with hint of a smirk, “She never could take it to the body!”. Ringsiders speculating that the knockout is there for the taking - is Upton deliberately extending the fight to punish her mouthy opponent? At the bell, Kate chest up and whispers, “See ya’ in sixty seconds, bytch!”. Hollow eyed Jenny McCarthy stumbles gingerly to her corner, ribs and midriff pounded pink by relentless Upton body punching!
Round 5: Bell sounds and Jenny off her stool creaky, abdominals cramping up and wondering how in the hell a minute could go by THAT FAST! And across the ring is a bigger woman who looks disturbingly fresh. Mac raises gloves to chin, tucks elbows to protest those barbecued ribs and trudges across the sand. The Queen flicking with rapier jab, maintaining distance, pecking, scoring, goading the Playmate, trying to force her to come out of defensive shell. Verbally taunting “C’mon, you gonna fight back? You gonna fight or not? Everyone’s watching … you gonna punk?” Hot tempered Jenny Mac lashes out in frustration with a wild right hand - and eats a three punch combination in return! Left hook to the jaw - straight right between the eyes - left hook to the ribs! McCarthy is hurt! Trying to answer - jab but slow and nothing on it. Kate Upton with classic one-two - left jab and right cross - and J-Mac caught flat footed - feet parallel and off balance. And Kate the Great again with the one-two … McCarthy stumbles … eyes glassy/ Kate with straight right hand to the eye … straight right hand to the cheekbone … crowd up it’s feet … Jenny is ready to go! The Queen theatrically kisses her right glove before slamming it into dazed Playmate’s chin. Jenny McCarthy blasted flat on her back, ref picks up the ten count but its a formality - could have been a hundred count - winner by knockout in the fifth round and still Queen of the Beach - Kate Upton!!!
Post fight: As various officials and medical personnel manage to bring McCarthy back from the Twilight Zone with ice on her neck and smelling salts, Kate Upton arrives in the corner to claim her prize. “Step aside boys“ she chuckles, grabbing a handful of blond mane and painfully lifts the beaten Playmate to her feet, “Me and this washed up bimbo got some walking to do! But first …”
And the Queen roughly shoves Jenny into the corner, draped over the ropes. A couple of deft plucks of the strings and Kate is swinging that fabled bikini top around her head, with Jenny quickly covering up her chest. Tosses it to ringside fans where it lands in Cassie Scerbo’s lap. Cassie squeals “Cooties!” and pushes the garment off - ultimately the top is claimed by a beaming Kate Beckinsale, who cheekily asks Upton if both she AND Jenny would mind autographing it for her! Kate lecturing Jenny that she “owes” the fan a show after less than five rounds of boxing! Using handful of hair to control her, she takes a dazed but protesting J-Mac for a full turn Walk of Shame - and when Jenny tries to dig heels into sand to stop the “tragedy of justice”, Kate only too happy to prod her back into action with resounding clap of her bare hand on that firm Playmate buttocks!.
