Semifinals (Adriana Lima vs. Jennifer Garner)

Tale of the Tape:

Jennifer Garner (4-0-0)
5'8, 50 years old

vs.

Adriana Lima (4-0-0)
5'10, 41 years old

(Written by Celebrity Wrestling Federation/Results by Lookout!)

Round 1:
While a collision course appeared to be set in stone between Jennifer Garner and Yvonne Strahovski, Adriana Lima put the champagne on ice with a statement first round. The 50 year old Garner showed some signs of her age early; and while this wasn’t exactly the first time she’d revealed cracks in her armor this tournament, Lima was the first opponent she’d faced who could routinely punish her missteps and put her to sleep.

The Brazilian was sharp and instinctive early, slipping through a lacking one-two combination attempted by Garner and vaulting through an uppercut that rocked the brunette in just the first minute. Garner’s defenses were iron-clad when damaged, but Lima continued to chisel away where a lesser fighter might’ve become frustrated she couldn’t find the homerun ball. The leggy model punished Garner’s tight midsection against the ropes as Jen walled up, finally winding the brunette with belly blows and opening her shell, allowing a biting left hand to sweep across her chin. Garner wobbled, pulling a last second clinch with Lima who was content with what she’d done. 10-8 Lima.

Round 2:
If you wanted to see what a Championship-level response looked like, look no further. Garner emerged from her corner a completely different fighter, brushing off the heaping of punishment doled out by Lima and flipping the script completely in the second. A single sluggish overhand from Lima opened the floodgates for Jennifer to come forward; as a rushing Garner tagged and probed with alternating crosses until Adriana was in a full backpedal, crashing recklessly into the corner ropes. Garner chucked leather in a blind rage, finding nothing more than clunky elbows and forearms for the first few until a right jab burrowed through Adriana’s arms and snapped against her cheek.

Lima teetered messily into Garner, who simply pirouette and let Lima drift into the center of the ring completely off balance, nearly spilling to all fours because she was so reliant on Garner to brace. Garner chased, managing to wall Adriana off after just a few steps and rip a devastating screwdriver left into her sternum, clubbing Lima back into the ropes. Sweat misted off Lima’s taut, flexing belly as she curled behind her forearms and hid her chin at the expense of her navel; ducking, weaving, and burrowing as Jen pumped away. Finally the bell saved Lima, ending a lopsided round and leveling things up. 10-8 Garner.

Round 3:
The third round was almost just as troubling for Lima, who seemed to be coasting off the successes of her first round. With little answer for Garner’s pressure, Lima opted to stall her out, wearing on the shorter Garner with clinch after clinch. Lima did what she could during the stalemates, stuffing rabbit punches into Garner’s liver at every break, but Jennifer finally found some late space. With the clock ticking down, Lima once again threw herself at Garner, only to swing and miss with her blatant hug attempt and allow Jen to slip through, chugging a savage straight right hand between her breasts. Lima squealed as her mouth fell open, slouching forward into a trailing left that bludgeoned her hanging jaw at the bell. Garner steals a slow round late, 10-9.

Round 4:
After a verbal undressing in her corner between rounds, Lima found a new well of resolve, using her rangey striking abilities to keep Garner on her back foot for the first time since the opening round. The lanky model filled every dull moment of jousting with a predictive hunk of leather; managing to catch Garner leaning a handful of times. Now it was Garner who was fighting puzzled, guessing at where Lima would be coming from and becoming increasingly dissuaded from approaching due to Adriana’s length. With Garner’s pressure valve turned off, Lima began to stalk with a clear conscience; firing a trio of vicious overhand rights into Garner’s defenses. While none hit flush, the last wilted the brunette’s left arm, deadening her limb and dropping it to her side. With Garner wincing, Lima pressed, cornering the Houston-native and wailing away with wild, reckless right hands to her vulnerable side. Garner twisted and shielded against the ropes, wearing the marks of Lima’s aggression up and down her torso before the model was clawed off by the official. With Lima finally awake again, she takes this one 10-8.

Round 5:
Having shaken off the dead-arm from the last round, Garner looked to be much more herself, firing a pair of committed left jabs into the model’s navel as the two met center ring to start the round. Adriana snapped at the hip, doubling over but just managing to sneak beneath a shoulder-height right sweeper from Garner. Lima ducked into a right hand to the belly, then a crumpling left cross to the ribs, then another right to the sternum. Garner gagged for oxygen as she was shuffled backwards, crashing into the ropes as Lima postured to full height and belted the brunette in the center of the chest with a straight left hand. Garner’s hands dropped to shield her breasts, just in time for Lima to swivel a brutal right cross through her cheek. Jen waved listlessly at Lima as if she was trying to grab hold for balance, only to be ole’d and fed another clubbing right overhand that drilled the side of her head. This time, Garner dropped flat on her face, thudding to the canvas at Lima’s feet. Garner squirmed to her back as she looked up at the towering Lima, rolling to her side and pressing to all fours at 5. Lima huffed and barked in frustration, demanding Garner stay down as she methodically pressed back to her feet at 9. Lima appeared to be more angry that Jennifer got back up than determined to close out the fight, dancing with a wounded Garner for the last thirty seconds as the round came to a close. Dominant round for Lima, 10-8.

Round 6:
While the tides didn’t fully turn after Lima’s knockdown in the fifth, Garner put on a clinic in damage control. Lima was predictably over-aggressive in the opening minute, practically shuffling chest-to-chest with Garner in hopes of probing for an opening. Garner simply circled or dipped through any coercion attempt by Lima to open herself up, and escaped with a parting shot of her own. By the end of the round, Lima was visibly frustrated at her inability to square Garner up, shouting in her native Portuguese tongue as they broke horns for the last time just before the bell. Garner narrowly squeezes this one out despite not doing much, 10-9.

Round 7:
With Garner having found her footing again, the sawed-off affair had ground to a stalemate to start the seventh. Neither fighter was comfortable making the next big mistake, and it led to a handful of broken exchanges with no one coming out on top by any discernable margin. At the behest of her corner, it was Garner who finally broke the gridlock and waded into Lima’s airspace; firing a wanting left hand that clattered off her shoulder and left her vulnerable to a retaliatory left overhand that snapped sharply against her temple. Garner dug her heels in, but wobbled, shaking from the brain-scrambling impact while refusing to cede space. Sensing she’d damaged the brunette, Adriana took a massive crow-hop forward to vacuum the gap between them, corking a loaded right hand before -- *THWACK*

Just as Lima extended to sling her right hand through its plain, Garner sprung through a filthy right uppercut, throttling Lima’s chin. The model’s jaw sloshed and hung slack, her lashes fluttering as she teetered to her heels, her knees finally buckling inward before she collapsed in a gawky heap atop her own legs. The entire arena erupted as Lima pitched and sloshed with convulsions on her back, arms strewn high above her head as the official crouched low and began the count, reaching 8 before the comatose brunette budged an inch. Garner hawked Lima’s corpse until the referee hit 10 and waved her off, respectfully straddling the downed, slumbering model and draping an armbra across her chest to help conceal a wardrobe malfunction from the violent impact of her uppercut.

"And your winner, by KO in Round 7, JENNIFERRR GAAAAARRRRRRNER!!!!"