Jenny McCarthy versus Charlize Theron (Once and for all...)

McCarthy v Theron: Once and for all …

(Results by Lookout; words by Sceej, amazing poster courtesy of celebff)

Weigh-in

Tension high as this improbable circus makes its way to show-time. The universally acclaimed Greatest of All Time facing a woman who is older, shorter, lighter and has a sub-.500 record for her career - yet “McCrazy” makes you wonder if she could just pull it off? Charlize Theron naturally a prohibitive betting favorite, yet a lot of the smart money wants to see the weigh in before committing - does Charlize go light or full welter? Does Jenny try to match her size? This is NOT a catch-weight fight in any sense, there is no weight limit - the weigh in is just a formality.

And here they come … Jenny McCarthy accompanied by veteran Sceej trainer Scrubby McGee … Charlize Theron with Jeri Ryan … Mac clowning for the press … Charlize icy - all business.

Charlize first on the scale. The FCBA official adjusting … adjusting … then announcing, “Theron … one hundred thirty one and one quarter pounds.”

“She’s goin’ big …” muses one sharply dressed observer, “... it’s the smart play … lean on her … make Mac carry her weight when she leans on her ... sap her strength.”

Next it’s Mac the Knife. “Looks really lean?”, speculates the sharpie before FCBA official peering … adjusting … and announces “McCarthy … one hundred twelve even!”

And again well dressed gent to himself “Well, she’s goin’ for speed … but can them forty eight year old legs dance ten rounds? And what happens when a bigger woman hits her one in the chops?”

Well - there’s a dais and a mic .. so you KNOW Jenny’s got something to say! “Twenty years in the making and now just a few more days! We been eyeing each other since way back in 1999. I asked for this fight a dozen times and ALWAYS ALWAYS an excuse … Charlize has to defend against Cat Bell … Charlize hurt her right hand … blah blah blah. Facts is facts, people, this chick NEVER wanted this fight and there’s a reason. Twenty two years of running and hiding! But Jenny … she’s the GOAT … that's what she has you all thinking … buying into her hype machine. Fact is I know … and more importantly, she knows … that Jenny McCarthy is too fast for her … too violent for her … too much for her. Boys, this one ain’t gonna last three rounds - I guarantee it! I know .. I know … you’re all clicking your little key pads that I’m on a losing streak … where does Mac get off … look, the plain truth is my head wasn’t in some of these recent fights! Does anyone SERIOUSLY think Beckinsale beats me if I am all in on that fight? But the negotiations for this fight have been going on for months and yeah, I’ll admit, it was a distraction … a huge distraction … but you know me, boys, I’m not one to make excuses …”

Reporter “Not one to make excuses? Didn’t she just …”

Press looking to question tight lipped Theron, “Charlize … Jenny claims you’ve ducked her for twenty years?

Theron, “I never ducked anyone.”

Reporter 2, “Then how do you explain that the two of you have been in the FCBA for over twenty years and you never gave her a shot?”

Theron, “She wasn’t good enough.”

Reporter, “Charlize, how do you see this fight playing out?

Theron, “I’m going to knock her out and shut her big mouth - once and for all!” and with that, the Golden Goddess abruptly walks out.

Press shooting questions at Scrubby McGee, “Scrubby, you’ve got a unique perspective on this one. You’ve trained Jenny for over a dozen years but you also trained Charlize for her fight with Moon BloodGood. Now they are fighting each other. What’s your feeling about this one?

Scrubby simmering anger, “My feeling? I’ll tell ya my damn feeling! I don’t like it! I didn't want dis fight! I told my little Jenny Mac - she’s too big, she hits too hard, she got dat dman concrete jaw … but did dat little blonde eejit listen? Now she’s comin’ off t’ree bad beatin’s an’ I’m supposed to get her ready to go ten rounds wit da most dangerous fighter in da history of dis damn FCBA? Does she t’ink I’m a damn magician? I wanted nuttin’ ta do wit’ fightin’ Theron …”

At that point, a horrified Jenny McCarthy pulls Scrubby away from the microphone, knocking the podium over in the process. Chaotic exit as the press calls questions at the back of the Sceej entourage ...

Fight Night

Arena at the boiling point - multiple “preliminary bouts” as fans of both fighters trade punches in the stands. Roar wells up as lights go low and the sound of a thumping base flows from the sound system. “Oh the shark, babe … has such teeth, dear … and he shows them … pearly white …” - then a section of fans really cut loose as here comes Jenny McCarthy!!! White robe with big green shamrock on the back … accompanied by Scrubby McGee (in turn accompanied by Mister Jack Daniels), former lightweight champion Adrienne Palciki and the woman who knows jussssssssssssssst a bit about beating Charlize Theron - Big Bad Gena Lee Nolin! In the ring, and the disrobe - and Jenny flashing six pack abs! White bikini top with green shamrock on one cup and black Playboy bunny head on the other, white boy shorts to cover a certain “recent addition” to the McCarthy posterior (courtesy of one Kate Beckinsale), white gloves and boots with green tassels.

Front row, among FCBA luminaries, Front Street boxing well represented with Pointy, the Wiz, Neve, Cassie and the one man security force - Big Paulie. Poindexter del Crunchy to the Man in the Hat, thoughtfully sipping a PBR as crowd roars, “Got to hand it to her, Wizardo, the lass looks plenty fit!”

Man in the Hat, “Yeah, McGee outdid himself gettin’ that forty eight year old chassis in shape, but she’s still soft between the ears. Never took away from her that she had the physical tools - maybe coulda been a Hall of Famer - but brains? Well … that's a whole different story!”

And if the Wizard had more to say, it is drowned out as the sound system erupts into Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best!” and that means the GOAT is in the house .. Charlize “The Golden Goddess” Theron … accompanied by Stephanie McMahon and Jeri Ryan. Charlize in black robe with “Golden Goddess” lettered on back (in gold - surprise). Disrobe shows black sports bra, black boy shorts, black gloves and boots - consistent with the “dark side” Charlize has been favoring in the recent past.

Study in contrasts, Jenny wild, circling ring, pumping gloved fist in air, working her fans into a frothing frenzy as they chant “... Jen-ny … Jen-ny … Jen-ny ....” Charlize? Nothing but a sullen glare, eyes tracking the blonde clown’s antics with cold contempt.

Microphone comes down and ring announcer speaks, “Ladies and gentlemen … welcome to the co-main event of the evening … the one you’ve been waiting for … waiting for over TWENTY years … the ultimate clash of cultures … Oscar versus Playboy … introducing first, in the corner to my right, standing 5’7” and weighing a very trim 112 pounds … she comes to us with a record of 71 wins and 73 losses … she is a former bantamweight champion … and bills herself as the greatest fighting Playmate of all time … Jenny …. Mac the Knife … McCaaaaaaaaaaarthy!

“And in the corner to my left … a fighter who truly needs no introduction … she stands 5’10” and weighs a ready 131 ¼ pounds … her unmatched record stands at an incredible 293 wins against only 123 losses … in addition to multiple Reebox, Paramount and Maxim championships … eight times she has held the undisputed lightweight title … seven times the undisputed welterweight title … she has held the undisputed middleweight title … she has been the Mistress of the Body Saddle … (McCarthy clearly getting annoyed at the litany of championships - especially contrasted to her SINGLE championship in twenty plus years ... cups hands and shouts “Booooooring!!!”) … and Academy Award winning actress (Jenny being made to look more the bimbo than usual) … she is universally recognized as the Greatest of ALL TIME … the Golden Goddess … Charliiiiiiiiiize Theron!!!”

Referee’s instructions an arduous affair, complicated by Gena Lee Nolin snarling at Theron, “You eyeballing me? You eyeballing me? Because I will beat your ass right now … Jenny’ll have to wait for another night!” Charlize stone faced at the jibes of her old nemesis. “Real class, Nolin” snaps back Jeri Ryan, “Don’t ever change!” Referee, painfully aware that things are threatening to boil over, trying to sound authoritative “I want a good clean fight …” - Jenny with a barking laugh in response to the request for sportsmanship, “Is that right? A good clean fight? And I want to be the Queen of France!”

Fighters back to corners - ringside is FCBA royalty with most stables well represented. Miss Ginny with Sunny McKay and Jennifer Lawrence near Chimera corner. Ollie Munn, “Godzilla” Lawley and Adrianna Palicki ringside at Sceej corner - Palciki not officially working the corner - unconfirmed rumors of blow up between her and McCarthy over Palicki’s stubborn insistence Mac should not fight Theron. Front Street in full effect - the Man in the Hat, Poindexter Del Crunchy, Cassie Scerbo, Neve Cambell, Kristen Stewart. Press features Tess Wlamart covering the fight for Tractorpull and Mac’s asylum partner, Jenny O’Dell.

Twenty years in the making … and here we go!

Round 1: Women out of their corners - Theron dukes high, right hand back, classic boxer puncher stance, advancing slow and dragging that back foot. McCarthy bouncy on toes - hands loose and low. Jenny snapping jab off from hip … one … two … three … Charlize slips one but pretty face spanked sharply … throws counter right but short as J-Mac dances away. Jenny using hand and foot speed to get in … engage … and get out. Slapping punches, not a lot on them, but points are points. Charlize, veteran of hundreds of fights, not getting baited into rushes … she’s patient … and times McCarthy attack, cracking Playmate with hard hook to the jaw that rattles the smaller woman. Mac backs off but smirks the “that didn’t hurt” smirk - which means it DID hurt! Charlize with her own jab … not landing but backing Mac up … then the follow up right, but J-Mac able to snake head left and spank Charlize with left right counter before taking a hard right to the stomach and disengaging. Scrubby from corner, “Stick and move … stick and move …” and Jenny being elusive but still able to score with her jab. Bantam speed neutralizing welter reach and power. Bell rings and first round goes to Mac the Knife! “Poifect round, Jenny - Poifect!” beams Scrubby McGee.

Round 2: Jeri Ryan in Chimera corner, “She wants to circle to her left - cut that off - make her go right! Use your strength, Chaz, get inside and get rough with her!” Bell and two women are at each other - the Golden Goddess looking to take the fight inside while Playmate works perimeter - spitting jabs. Charlize steps in front and cuts off J-Mac circling left, ducks low, gets inside and lands flurry to ribcage - punctuated with hard right hand to toned belly. Jenny responds with left to ribs and then brings it up to the jaw but takes hard right to forehead in response. Mac fires back left right combination, but GOAT rolling shoulders to take the power out of the punch and lands chippy little left uppercut inside that puts a shimmy in J-Mac’s back leg. Sceej corner calling for clinch! Jenny wraps up Charlize, who struggles violently to get her hands free. Jenny struggling to control big girl’s strength. Chimera corner calling for break and when ref breaks fighters, Jenny Mac with cheap cuffing right hand on the break. Theron lunging for payback but referee separates them and wags finger in Playmate’s face, which shows not a hint of contrition - just pure annoyance. Mac beckons Charlize “C’mon!!!” and the Goddess obliges … takes a straight right hand lead … McCarthy backs up … lands ANOTHER right lead but that fabled Theron jaw holds firm … Jenny backed to ropes, clinches again, women wrestle, spin … and Theron goes for pay back!!! Hooks Playmate to the groin and Mac wraps up weakly … pale bloodless face … look of shock and pain … and takes a thudding left right left combination as hard hearted Theron demonstrates emphatically that if Jenny wants to fight dirty - well, she can do that too! Referee did not see foul .. Sceej corner going ballistic … McCarthy takes body beating to bell and gingerly back to the corner as second round clearly Charlize!!!

Round 3: Jenny getting ice in the corner on … on … well, lets just say what Bob Seger called “the fire down below!” Jeri Ryan rubbing Charlize's neck, “Way to do it, baby, give back what you get - with interest!”. Jenny out of her corner, still clearly hurting but just as clearly she is in incredible shape for a forty eight year old. Gets up on her toes and dances, ignoring cramping in the midriff through force of will, using jab to keep Theron at bay as the Golden Goddess stalks with right hand cocked. Charlize cuts off ring, thumping right lead to the body and J-Mac clinches, trying to wrap up, women wrestling but greater strength of the Goat forcing Playmate to the ropes … Jenny able to slip loose after an “unintentional” head butt. Chimera corner screaming “foul” … Nolin in the Sceej corner implausibly claiming Theron butted McCarthy?!! Jenny back on toes and comfortable behind that left jab. The GOAT able to jab with J-Mac on occasion, and when she does, fires right hand behind it. McCarthy skittish, unwilling to engage, backpedals most of the round but able to steal it on scorecards with an accurate and persistent jab.

Round 4: Theron getting the lecture in the corner from Jeri Ryan, “Pressure, girl, pressure .. don’t let this bimbo set the pace. You’re the best ever, not this tramp - YOU set the pace!!!”. Charlize nodding head .. and out of corner purposeful … laser focused. While McCarthy looks to work perimeter and dictate with the jab, the GOAT disrupts the rhythm with oddly timed rushes … uses her own jab as range finder, and then over top with the right or thumps left hook to rib cage. Jenny out of sorts with new Theron tactic … slashes back with her own right hand to keep Charlize from romping all over her but that left hook in particular is doing damage. Right flank pinking up and meaty impact drawing a grunt out of the Playmate! Neve Cambell with Front Street crew, cupping hands and calling encouragement, “Attagirl Chaz - body’s there all day!”. Round to Theron evening up scorecards … as fighters pass, angry glare from McCarthy - Theron responds with pure ice! Jenny lobbying referee, “Watch the low blows … she’s hitting me low ....”

Round 5: McGee all over McCarthy in Sceej corner, “Ya gotta move, goil … side to side … in and out … angles … ya trade wit dis goil and she’ll put ya on yer back!”. Jenny lean and mean - has trained for this fight like she has not trained in years and she has speed and reserves to draw on. Circling left … spitting jabs … then stops, digs back foot in and lands lead right as Therone follows. Charlize lands cuffing left hook to temple but then the Playmate is gone … dancing back out of harm’s way. Jenny with strategically timed engagements .. seems to be retreating … always jabbing to keep Theron from full blooded pursuit … then stops and flurries … scoring … Charlize absorbing combinations and landing singles in response. No heavy leather from J-Mac but cumulative damage and scoring punches take the round.

Poindexter Del Crunchy leans over to the Grand Wizard, “Gotta hand it to her - the lass looks good.”

Wizard with hint of a smile, “Sure she does - through five rounds. Wait till the later rounds and those legs start getting heavy. No forty eight year old is gonna dance for ten rounds!”

Round 6: Charlize hearing it in the corner, “Pressure … pressure … make her fight YOUR fight!” Theron out of corner with urgency … hounding McCarthy and disrupting that nice rhythm she had gotten into. Bobbing head … moving it side to side … slipping jab more often now to get inside and use her strength and size .. Jenny countering but backed up by heavier hands of the GOAT. “Stay off dem dam ropes!” barks Scrubby McGee and Jenny spins off and slides to mid ring. Theron in pursuit … and Charlize takes a right hand lead to the jaw … and Theron is hurt! Jenny Mac digging that back foot in and putting her whole back into a straight right and Theron’s leg shimmies! Jenny bares her teeth and lunges into a left hook to the temple … and Theron is down! Theron is down! Charlize Theron is down!!! Jenny McCarthy shoots hands into the air as referee has to body her back to a neutral corner - Jenny Mac banging fist on chest and bellowing “I told ya … I told ya all!” Charlize to one knee at “five” and on her feet at “seven” but clearly hurt - this was no flash knockdown! Referee signals “fight” and Hurricane Jenny is ALL IN!!! Battering the GOAT to the ropes with barrage of lefts and rights, Theron in tight guard and taking it all. Jenny hammering left hook to body … and another … and another … then stepping back and looking to split guard with that straight right hand. Chimera corner screaming for a clinch but Charlize riding it out on the ropes … sinking back to take power off the shots … Jenny burning a ton of energy … tired at the end of the round. At bell, Charlize chests up and whispers coolly “That all you got?” 10-8 round for J-Mac but Playmate with a perturbed look … is she rattled by Theron icy stoicism?

Round 7: Scrubby McGee “Good round, goil, good round … jus’ don’t get reckless … yer up t’ree points off day round … box … nuttin’ crazy …”

Jenny “She’s goin’ down! That b*tch is goin’ down”

Scrubby “Now ya lissen and lissen good, Jenny! We got a plan here … stick to it! None of dat daft … (bell rings) … you lissen ta me, Jenny Mac, y’hear!”

Mac out of corner and if she hears Scrubby, you would not know it! At Theron hard … behind that laser jab … pap … pap pap … steering the bigger woman … Theron taking … head occasionally snapped back by one of the stiffer jabs … patient … and THERE IT IS - Mac careless and leaves left out there too long and Charlize comes over the top and rings up jaw with right hand .. and Jenny Mac fires right back! Firefight mid ring! Theron hook to the ribs draws a grunt out of Jenny, then brings hook upstairs to temple. J-Mac baring teeth in rage and fires one two - left right combination to the GOAT’s gorgeous face. Sceej corner screaming “Don’t trade!!!” but Jenny is Jenny. Both women with hands blazing … Mac closes the show with hard right hand to the jaw right at the bell … or right AFTER the bell if you listen to the Chimera corner. Playmate bellows a triumphant “Yeah!” at Theron’s back as Charlize makes her way back to the corner. That last shot cements McCarthy round and she has built a sizeable lead in most observers minds as we head into the championship rounds.

Round 8: In the corner, Adrianne Palicki, out of seat and in the corner now, pleading with McCarthy to stop taking chances - but Jenny gonna Jenny! Meeting Theron center ring, working behind that jab, trying to set the GOAT up for that big overhand right. Jenny working perimeter … looking to get in and get out without tasting Theron power but the occasional thumping left hook landing from the bigger woman … head and flank in equal parts … and Jenny not liking it! Heavier weight of shot doing more damage than Jenny’s volume of jabs - Playmate getting cranky … cramping up from the body shots … time to put an end to that! Mac feigns with left and fires overhand right … Theron slips the right and erupts with hook that toggles McCarthy jaw and loosens knees. Jenny immediately into clinch - bigger, stronger Theron looking to wrestle hands free. Jenny looks to stomp on her instep and misses … hooks to the crotch but Charlize pivots and takes it on the hip … Charlize knows the Nolin playbook better than anyone but Gena herself! Referee breaks fighters … wagging finger in McCarthy’s face and warning her he WILL take points - Jenny right back at the ref, accusing Theron, “She’s holding and hitting! Open your damn eyes!”. Ref signals “box” and Theron right back on the smaller woman. Center ring, both blondes letting hands go but Jenny inexorably backed up by welterweight power! On ropes, Theron able to do some body work … digging hook to ribs and then really burying that money hook to the liver. Bell rings with Jenny letting out a groan and struggling a little to straighten up. Round Theron but she is still well behind!

Neve Campbell ringside, “Stay on her body - the body! She’ll fold like second hand furniture!

Round 9: Theron getting the grim news in the corner from Stephanie McMahon, “You’re behind, Chaz … we need something big … big!” Theron out of corner with steel eyes, focused, urgent but not reckless. Jenny Mac, still up on toes, still looking to dance, but a little sand in those legs after eight rounds. Theron cuts off ring as Mac skips to left, then cuts her off right - making ring smaller - moving head to slip the jab - methodically boxing Jenny into corner and THEN opening up! Left right combination to midriff … takes a hard right to temple in reply … GOAT twists hips and rings up Playmate chin … and J-Mac is hurt!!! Uppercut telescopes McCarthy neck upward … she is trying to get away but is walking in fence holes! Theron methodical in pursuit … focused … feigns left and blasts right hand to Mac’s temple … McCarthy corkscrews to canvas … BLONDE GIRL DOWN!!! Referee walking a dispassionate Theron to neutral corner … Jenny Mac on all fours … shaking head .. trying to clear it.

Gena Lee Nolin, Sceej corner, angrily, “C’mon Mac … get the hell up!”

Adrienne Palicki, Sceej corner, desperately, “Jenny - pleeeeeeeeease get up!”

And among the Front Street contingent, Big Paulie (of all people!!!), whispering, “C’mon, kid … c’mon, get up … you can do it …”

Neve Campbell, eyes bugging out, to Cassie Scerbo, “Did I just hear what I think I heard?”; Cassie shushing Neve as the Man in the Hat studies ring intently.

McCarthy with one hand on the ropes … up on one knee at “seven” … takes mandatory eight count on unsteady legs … shaking head … trying to clear her brain (which ought not take too long?). Referee asks if she wants to continue … defiant Playmate “F*ck you … ask HER if she wants to continue!”. Ref shrugs … waives fighters on … and HERE COMES THE GOLDEN GODDESS!!! Gone is the icy coolness … Theron with a look of fury on gorgeous face … bares her teeth and hammers away with that right hand … punching right through the deteriorating Playmate guard.

Adrianne Palicki in Sceej corner “CLINCH!!!”. Groggy McCarthy looking to wrap up but Chaz too strong and too violent. Mac looks to go low … punching for groin but catching thigh … and an enraged Charlize responds in kind! Blasts right hand between Jenny’s legs. McCarthy’s eyes bug, face goes pale, drops to her knees gasping … and referee takes Theron by wrist … leads to center ring … and good lord, he’s deducting a point! Charlize Theron positively DOMINATING the ninth round but referee deducting a point for retaliatory low blow! Boos raining down on ring as round ends with McCarthy still on her knees … gathered back to corner gasping for breath and under the cold glare of the GOAT.

Cassie Scerbo, “Open your eyes, ref … it was self defense, fer cryin’ out loud!”

Round 10: And fittingly … after twenty years … it all comes down to the last round … most knowledgeable ringsiders think it's still anybody’s fight!

Desperation in both corners! Scrubby McGee in Sceej corner, “Jenny goil … its … its close … real close … you wanted dis, now ya got it … ya can’t go down again!, Unnerstan? Ya can’t go down!!!”

Chimera corner, Jeri Ryan up in Theron’s grill, “Chaz … you CANNOT lose to this sl*t! Can’t do it! It’s close … we need a knockout to close the show! She’s hurt … now finish her!”

Bell sounds … referee asks for a touch of gloves? Yeah … that’s not happening! Theron to the attack with a one-two - jab followed by straight right - heat seeking missile. J-Mac able to slip the left but takes the right glancing off temple. Playmate snarls and fires back double left hook at the chin … Charlize with guard high and able to pick off the shots. Theron pushing off … going all “bigger girl” on the bantam, backing and bullying her to the ropes, using buffeting little shots to pin her in place, then unload with the big right hand, looking for the “off” switch.

McCarthy taking punishment on the ropes. Crowd on it’s feet. Neve Campbell ringside, “C’mon … knock her ass out! Now! Now!!!” Theron goes back to the uppercut … Jenny Mac snakes head back … and here comes McCarthy!! Jenny fighting off the ropes with desperation and conviction … baring teeth … cuffing sides of the GOAT’s pretty head as Theron near guts her with right hand to the sternum.

And McCarthy is backing up Theron!!! Able to fight way off the ropes! They are at center ring now … both throwing leather like there is no tomorrow … because there IS no tomorrow!

Thirty seconds to go … crowd in a frenzy! Mac misses big left hook … looking to end it .. takes a right hand counter that toggles the jaw … Theron doubles up on the right hand … crashing into Playmate’s forehead. Jenny’s back leg wobbles! Down to twenty seconds! Theron with left hook to midriff … drawing a grunt … and another … then the money hook to the liver … McCarthy with sharp cry … spits out the mouthpiece .. and she fights back! Jenny Mac letting go with both hands, buffeting Theron, who's picking most of the shots off but taking the occasional crack to the temple. The GOAT again punishes right side of McCarthy rib cage with that sledgehammer left hook; Playmate grunting and wincing.

Ten seconds left … left hook Theron … left right to the head McCarthy … hard right to the chin by Charlize, buckles Mac’s knees …

… AND IT’S OVER!!!

Crowd on their feet standing … row after row … both fighters with hands raised … both claiming victory … Palicki into the ring like an excited puppy “Jenny … you did it! You did it! I’m so proud of you!” Big kiss on Jenny’s cheek!

Crowd growing restless as it’s taking a looooong time to tally the cards. Jenny McCarthy parading, pumping gloved fist over her head, leading her supporters in chant “... Jen-ny .. Jen-ny … Jen-ny …”. In Chimera corner, Charlize Theron pacing and pensive.

Finally, ring announcer signals for the microphone … “Ladies and gentleman, before giving you the judges’ decision, lets have one more round of applause for two of the greatest competitors in FCBA history …”

Neve Campbell, “Well, ONE of them qualifies …”

Pointy, ringside to the Man in the Hat. “It’s close … razor thin”. Wizard nods.

Announcer, “Judge Howard scores the bout 95-94 … Theron (cheers from majority of crowd but some loud boos) … Judge Fine scores the bout 96-94 … McCarthy (cheers) … and Judge Besser scores the bout 95-95 … this bout is a split decision draw!!!”

Crowd applauding … Charlize nodding in resignation … and JennyMcCarthy is going absolutely berserk!!! Trying to get at Theron … ranting … screaming she’s been “robbed” … Palicki wrestling her back to Sceej corner as Nolin jaws at Theron - who responds with cold glare and contemptuously takes a seat on her stool.

Crowd begins to chat “One more round … one more round ...” and McCarthy, jumping up and down like a cheerleader on amphetamines, leading the chants, while Theron just sits on her stool - waiting, thinking. “Charlize not gonna finish this thing? Just gonna let that challenge lay there?” Cassie asks the Wizard; Wiz replies, “Oh I think she’ll fight …”. Cassie wonders, “Then what is she doing?” and Neve interjects, “She’s resting … while our resident genius burns the very last of her reserves jumping around and acting the fool - as usual!”

Theron confers with Chimera brass … and the guys in the suits … and a proposal with certain stipulations is hastily prepared - the GOAT’s list of conditions to continue … and through all this, the Golden Goddess rests on her stool and the Greatest Fighting Playmate of All Time rages around the ring … occasionally trying to bull rush her way into the Chimera corner, only to be rebuffed by security.

When presented with list of stipulations to proceed to an 11th round, she is all “Where do I sign?!!” Palciki “Jenny, we need to READ it first!!! You can’t just sign … it could say anything!”

And now it is Jenny and Scrubby McGee jawing! McGee adamant - no additional rounds!

“Jenny, ya bloody eejit … ya just shocked da woild … ya went dat whole ten round and fought da best fighter in dis damn organization to a standstill! What da hell else da ya wanna prove? Now look … she’s bigger … and younger … yer .. yer wearin’ down, goil. Take da damn draw and be proud of it! I won’t let ya do more … not wit me runnin’ da corner … I’m chief second and I’m callin dis t’ing off now!”

And Jenny McCarthy FIRES Scrubby McGee as her trainer!

Palicki stunned, in tears - Mac to Nolin “Gena … you’re chief second … now … let’s finish this b*tch!”

Twenty years of waiting .. ten grueling rounds … and its STILL not settled! It will be a throwback to an earlier more brutal era of boxing - a fight to the finish!

Overtime

Round 11: Crowd roars … then stunned … then roars louder! It’s the blitz - the so called “Mac Attack”! Jenny literally racing out to pin Charlize in her own corner, barely off the stool. Where does she get the energy? Left right left to the body … doubles left hook to the head … Theron turtling up in guard … J-Mac hands blazing … wild eyed … teeth bared … pounding Theron to gloves, forearms, shoulders … one full minute of pure fury ...

Stunned Poindexter Del Crunchy to Front Street “Crivvens! The lass is possessed!”

Wiz coolly, “Throwin’ a ton of punches … and mostly hitting shoulders and forearms! Champ, you thinkin’ What I’m thinkin’?”

Neve Campbell, “That McGenius is punching herself out? Yeah … could be … could be …”

And as if on cue, the Golden Goddess pivots out of corner and slams Jenny Mac into the ropes!

Cassie Scerbo, jumping with glee, “YES!!!! She was playing possum!!!”

Hard jab to forehead! Right hand to body and then up to the chin! Left hook to temple! McCarthy wanders off the ropes on rubbery legs, arms raised in weak guard, Theron able to punch straight through it! Paliciki in corner screaming, “Nooooooooooooo …”

Overhand right Theron … overhand right Theron … McCarthy wobbling badly … overhand right Theron … McCarthy is ready to go … Charlize feigns the right and lands HUGE left uppercut, twisting hips to get everything into it … and Jenny McCarthy is blasted off her feet and flat on to her back!!!

Theron looks down with cool contempt until walked to neutral corner by referee … ref picks up the count … six … seven … eight … she’s clearly knocked out cold … the count could be one hundred … not even stirring from the Greatest Fighting Playmate of all Time …

… and it is over! Winner by knockout in the eleventh round … proving once again she is the Greatest of All TIME … CHARLIZE THERON!!!

Post fight


Nolin and Palicki trying to revive an insensate Jenny Mac when the looming presence of a now gloveless Charlize Theron is felt. “I’m claiming her” Charlize intones coldly. Palicki has always respected the GOAT, but she is like a loyal kid sister to McCarthy. Palciki balls her fists and sets her jaw, only to be pulled back gently by Big Bad Gena Lee. “It’s part of fighting, kid … Mac’s walked plenty of girls … she knows the rules.”

In the Front Street contingent, Big Paulie shakes his head and says softly, “Gotta give it to her - she did herself proud …”

Cassie Scerbo, “You DO mean Charlize - right Uncle Paulie”

The big man, roused from private thought, “Oh … oh yeah, squirt … Charlize! Whodda ya think I meant?”

Charlize unceremoniously lifts Jenny … by her hair and bottoms (!) … drawing a woozy yelp of pain … and in the process not only giving Mac an epic wedgy but baring that right butt cheek - recently adorned with a British flag tattoo and the inscription “God Save The Queen” - courtesy of one Katherine Beckinsale, who is chortling with delight ringside!

Shoving the beaten blonde over to the ropes where she is draped over, Charlize undoes the knots and whips off Jenny’s bikini top, sweat soaked shamrock and Playboy bunny glistening. Tossing it to Jeri Ryan “That’s for my trophy case.”. Placing an arm around the Playmate’s waist, she leads her on a stumbling weepy TOPLESS Walk of Shame. As they pass Front Street contingent, the Man in the Hat is on his feet clapping. Neve and Cassie laughing and pointing, shooting video with phones. And Pointy springs up … and salutes?!!

“What in the …” laughs the Wizard.

Pointy, pointing at McCarthy butt cheek, “Union Jack on display - you know very well I was with the Queen’s Own Scottish Rangers!”

Charlize forces Mac into Chimera corner, lecturing her coldy, stabbing index finger into Jenny’s bared chest, “Well, big mouth, was it worth it? Twenty years of dogging me … you happy now? Because you don’t look very happy? Now … I’ll be in touch about our little contract but for now … I’m gonna let you go … but I am warning you … I better never ever EVER hear one word about a rematch … not one word? You got it? Good!”

With that, Theron leaves the ring … no interview … and Sceej corner rushes in with a robe to cover Jenny and the twin talents that she built into a career.

Press conference: Jery Ryan comes out “Charlize will not be taking questions. A statement regarding the post fight contract will be released in the near future but to dispel any rumors, it is NOT for a rematch!”