Jenny McCarthy versus Kim Kardashian

There has been building bad blood between the GBS stable and the self proclaimed “People’s Bantamweight Champion”. Press conference features fake smiles and contemptuous glares all around. “Look …” Jenny Mac tells the press condescendingly, “At my age, I know I’m not a top twenty fighter … (pause)I’m a freakin’ top ten fighter (Jenny flashing the shyte eating grin!) And losing to a tomato can is not in my plans. This is a tune up, boys! Check the program .. I’m not fighting Kira Kosarin … it’s Kim Kardashian, fer cryin out loud. She could run ten, twenty in a row and STILL have a losing record! I’m just gonna log some rounds … work on a few things … and then drop her on that fat ass in the middle rounds. I’ve had words with this stable - now its time for action!”



Kim up to the task of taking on J-Mac, at least at the presser! “Check the recent record … not ancient history, folks. I am making my move now toward the top ten! And Jenny McCarthy - speaking of ancient history - is waaaaay past her sell by date! That top twenty ranking? All politics and connections! Probably called in a favor from her buddy Tess Valmore (and it is hard to tell who has the more crimson look of stunned outrage at THAT remark - Jenny or Tess!).”



Fight night! KIm Kardashian to ring to strains of Kanye West’s “Fighting Fires” accompanied by GBS trainers Jeri Ryan and Cindy Crawford. In ring, Kim wows crowd with the disrobe - black lingerie flattering her massive mammaries and famous booty, black gloves and boots, with hair pulled back in a wet ponytail. Crowd still applauding when thumping base notes presage Bobby Darin, “Oh the shark, babe … has such teeth, dear …” and look out ol’ Mac is back … Jenny McCarthy to the ring accompanied by veteran trainer Scrubby McGee and Big Bad Gene Lee Nolin … and a smattering of boos for the boisterous blonde bomber. Jenny in the scarlet bikini from her glory days, white gloves and boots, blonde hair in pigtails of all things - leading one ringsider (looking at you Miss Ginny!) to crack “mutton posing as spring lamb!”. Referee’s instructions tense, blonde and brunette both smirking, compounded by icy stare between Crawford and Nolin - Crawford’s kid taking credit for retiring Big Bad Gena Lee and not afraid to tell people that!



Round 1: Kardashian out of her corner hot - straight at the older fighter - swarming, winging lefts and rights, seemingly looking to overwhelm with sheer volume. Blonde veteran goes into high guard on ropes and takes … takes punches but not punishment! Bobbing rotating shoulders, taking shots on forearms. This type of sustained battering, even to arms and shoulders, can take a toll but Jenny Mac not content to play the punching bag for long. At first hint of arm weariness from Kim K, Jenny erupts out of crouch with uppercut that clips Kardashian chin. Brunette staggers back with the “what just happened???” look on her pretty face. Grim faced Jenny pound right to midsection and Kim K covers up. Jenny doubles left hook to ribs and rattles her opponent, then pushes off with both hands to drive her to ropes and drives forward. Jeri Ryan in GBS corner screaming “Get off!” and Kardashian responds, trading lefts and rights with J-Mac in spirited exchange on the ropes. Fans rising to feet early at this two way action. Closing thrifty seconds, Jenny slips and over hand right and rattles Kim with left hook receipt to jaw. Bell rings and Jenny cheating up with a rattled Kardashian after taking first round.



Round 2: Kardashian getting an earful from Ryan and Crawford, “You let her off the hook! Pace pace pace … she’s old … make this b*tch work the whole three minutes every round!”. Kim out of corner and at her blonde foe purposefully - nothing wild but advancing behind jab and then looking to pound body with both hands. Jenny charging a toll for the visit inside with her own punishing left jab, but once shorter woman is in there, its all Kim K! Chugging arms … thud thud thud … banging flanks and abs … drawing grunts from the blonde. Scrubby McGee calling from corner for Jenny Mac to clinch - McCarthy struggling to tie up the sturdy Californian. Kim K playing it smart in clinch, not wasting energy struggling, corner calling for a quick break and gets it. J-Mac on her toes now, looking to circle away, but Kim surprisingly good at cutting off ring - steps in front of McCarthy and pounds left hook to midriff, Jenny lashing back with left right combination, but Kim scoots under and presses Playmate back into the ropes. Again, its just keeping hands busy for Kim, thumping whatever is available - ribs, belly, sternum - occasionally uppercut - clipping blond chin and standing up on her toes. Jenny hammering from both sides but mostly pounding Kardashian’s strong shoulders and biceps, her punches are just too wide! At bell, fighter exchange glares - Kim K smirking and Jenny Mac hot with rage and pain. McCarthy abs noticeably pink, courtesy of Kardashian body work.



Round 3: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it is the GBS philosophy as Ryan and Crawford send Kardashian back out with admonition “ … the body … the BODY!”. Kim out of the corner, dukes under chin, bobbing and weaving - Jenny leggy, dancing around the ring perimeter, spitting jabs with right hand cocked. Pap … pap … pap … McCarthy jab finding Kardashian but often skidding off top of the scalp as Kim K ducks down and looks to close. Bull rush presses blonde to ropes but when Kim looks to flurry, Jenny spins her artfully and skips away. Chess match type round - and while Kim is not going to edge many in brain power, she just may be more clever than Jenny Mac. Close slow round with edge to Kim on aggression.



Round 4: Jenny is out of the corner with a purposeful intense scowl. Kardashian right at her - and stopped in her tracks by stiff blonde jab! This jab is not the range finder - its the Foreman-esque telephone pole jab - knocks brunette’s head back. Jenny now controlling center ring … rebuffing Kim K charges with that talented jab. It makes the old timers scratch their heads - why why why doesn’t she ALWAYS fight like this? To quote the Hall of Famer Jenny O’Dell, “McCarthy could have been another Billy Conn”. Jenny Mac keeping brunette at bay with rapier jab and when frustrated Kim K charges, Jenny hits her right on the chin with straight right hand … and KARDASHIAN’S LEGS GO OUT! McCarthy throws hands in air “Woooooooo!” as she is pressed back to neutral corner. Kim to her feet quickly … its a flash knockdown but a knockdown just the same. Referee calls for action to resume and Kim with wild haymaker … looking to respond immediately … but it’s clumsy and telegraphed … J-Mac slips the punch and sticks out her tongue! Kardashian rushes, the women clinch, and wrestle roughly to the bell … referee with a job getting them disentangled as Jenny takes a late swing at Kim and Kim lunges at Mac in response.



Round 5: Jeri Ryan and Cindy Crawford working feverishly to settle the hot headed Armenian. “Look … we have a plan … fight your fight … this wildness plays into her hands!” In Sceej corner, Scrubby McGee warning J-Mac “Dat was a flash knockdown … dat’s it … dis goil’s still dangerous .. keep yer damn hands up!” drawing an exaggerated roll of the eyes from the Playmate. Jenny out, bouncy and frisky - Kim K plodding with mitts under her chin, chin tucked, looking to make this a brawl. Jenny dealing, tarting up Kardashian, getting off with left and rights - left jab, right cross right behind it, then quick heel pivot and she is gone - Kim’s hook to the midriff catching only air. Jenny bouncing … beckoning brunette to pursue and Kim K obliges. Jenny spitting jabs … staying tantalizing out of reach of the shorter fighter as she dances lightly around the perimeter - asking a lot of those forty seven year old legs. Late in the round, her toe catches canvas and she stumbles off balance. Kardashian leaping into a left hook that catches all of Jenny’s jaw - huge head swivel and Mac is on unsteady legs. Grimly smiling brunette marches on her blonde … left hook to the ribs … left hook to the ribs … McCarthy sagging like second hand furniture … Kim K pops hips right and twists into a left uppercut that catches J-Mac right on the point of the chin! McCarthy out before she hits the canvas, pitching forward with sickening head bounce off the ring floor. Ref immediately waives off the count and rolls her onto her back to get mouthpiece out. Winner by knockout in the fifth round …. Kim “Khaos” Kardashian!



Post fight: Sceej corner gathers up an insensate McCarthy, drag her to stool and administering smelling slats … when Kim K comes a calling! Grinning ear to ear, Kardashian announces, “You’ve talked a lot of smack about GBS for a loooong time, bimbo … let’s take a little walk!”. Stumbling mumbling Jenny McCarthy taken for a scalding Walk of Shame by Kim Kardashian … all smiles of approval, from Ryan, Crawford, and the rest of the GBS retinue. Cold war between McCarthy and GBS has flared up and the score is GBS 1 - JMAC 0.