A Slumber Party Invitation (For Sophia Bush)

Sophia Bush was working out in the ABC gym, punching furious leather into a big punching bag while trainer Alyssa Milano held the sack steady. One particular punch almost knocked Milano straight off her feet.

"You holding that still or what?"

"Hey, this bag is bigger than me," Alyssa shot back. "You wanna get on the other side of this?"

"Nah, you had your turn ten years ago, Milano."

"Watch it shorty, you're no spring chicken yourself."

"Shorty?? You got a lot of nerve for a midget!"

Sophia pounded heavy fists into the bag as the two traded words. Alyssa always knew exactly what to say to get some heavy work out of her friend and pupil.

"And you got a lotta nerve for someone whose only loss for this stable WAS to midget."

"Don't you dare mention that bytch in here," Sophia growled, pausing the punches. "I will drop these gloves and call it a day."

Before Alyssa could respond, the pair were interrupted by stable general manager, Jennifer Connelly, who entered the gym carrying an envelope.

"Soph, you've got mail."

Sophia looked surprised. "Huh? Who writes letters these days?"

"Someone who probably doesn't have your number," Jennifer smirked. "Coleman delivered it herself."

Alyssa laughed. "Hey, that name is not to be spoken here."

Sophia was too confused to react to her trainer, and simply stared at her stable manager, eyes squinting in hard thought. "What the hell does that bytch want?"

"I can only guess," Connelly shrugged, handing Sophia the envelope. "Why don't you have a read and find out?"

Sophia wandered away, pacing the room as she slipped the invitation out of the envelope and started to read. Her face grew redder and redder and her pace quickened around the room as she read further through the letter. Alyssa and Jen watched as their fighter started grumbling under breath, stamping her feet and shaking the note in anger.

"That f*king WH*RE!" Sophia stormed towards the door, clearly full of intent.

"Where you going?" Milano called after her.

"To write back!" Bush shouted, her voice strong and hateful.

Sophia dropped into a seat on the sofa in the ABC lounge and grabbed pen and paper from the little table.

Then, she penned the following letter:

"Dear Fattass,

You're in luck. I love nothing more than a slumber party. Oh, wait. I mean, the ONLY thing I love more than a slumber party is proving to the world what a soft, useless, pathetic cow you are. So, count me in, I wouldn't miss the opportunity to humiliate you for the world.

We both know who has the hotter bod, and there is NO way it's that saggy, mushy thing you're so inexplicably high on. I cannot wait to prove to you and the rest of your stable on your home turf just how overrated you are. That title will be mine, you undeserving tramp. We'll see how confident you are THEN!

So here is my official RSVP. Abso-frickin'-lutely, I will be there to break your cold, cold heart as well as your ugly body and soft little plums. Abso-frickin'-lutely, I accept your invitation to MY party and YOUR slumber, right between my SUPERIOR JMDs.

See you at my party, Ugmopotamus!"

Sophia Bush
Near-Future Jugs of Mass Destruction Champion
Sexiest JMD Contender Ever
Alpha Boxing Club

...Bullshyt, Sophia!     I don't know who sent that to you, but honestly, probably nobody.    Who would dare pick you over me?    The Sophia Bush fan club is a party of one but everything you just sent is a complete and total lie!    Just like you're lying to yourself about how you and your jugs are better.    I'll give you credit for beating me and for taking the JMD title, as I clearly underestimated you, but trust me, that won't happen again!    When you and I meet up again, which will be soon I hope, I'm taking those flabby and jealous jugs of yours down!     You are so full of yourself, but I'm going to deflate you and your jugs one freaking round at a time, you hungry hippo!   

I - can't - wait! 

Jenna Louise Coleman
Lookout! Boxing