Post by countrymouse on Feb 2, 2024 13:45:07 GMT -6
Lookout/Countrymouse
Elisha Cutherbert vs Gwen Stefani
“Big black boots, long blonde hair! She's so sweet with her get-back stare!” As the arena fills with the rock and roll rhythm of Jet's 'Be My Girl,' all eyes turn to the entrance where Elisha Cuthbert steps into the spotlight. The announcer's voice resonates through the venue, listing her stats and accomplishments: 20 years old, 5 foot 5, weighing in at 130 pounds, and boasting a 2-1 record in FCBA, including victories over Jessica Simpson and Rachel Stevens!
Despite being relatively new to the scene, the crowd can't help but cheer and whistle as they catch a glimpse of this young Marilyn Monroe look-alike. Elisha's confident girl-next-door smile quickly wins their hearts. Get ready for an electrifying performance from the talented Elisha Cuthbert!
As Gwen Stefani's own song lyrics echo through the crowd, "Well you came in with the breeze, On Sunday morning," the audience joins in, singing every word of her hit record. The anticipation is palpable.
The announcer then introduces Gwen Stefani, providing her stats: 5 foot 7, 130 pounds, in her debut match with FCBA. With her bright blue hair and a matching sports top and loose trousers, she radiates confidence and athleticism. Her sculpted abs suggest that she does nothing but sit-ups between music gigs!
This match promises to be a showdown between a babe and a badass!
Round 1:
Julie Brown: "And here is the start of the match! Cuthbert and Stefani circle each other looking for an opening."
Pauly Shore: "Cuthbert is smokin! Where is she from?"
Julie Brown: "She's in a show with Kiefer Sutherland."
Pauly Shore: "That dude from Lost Boys? No way!"
Julie Brown: "Cuthbert uses jabs and hooks effectively to control the distance and score points."
Pauly Shore: "Stefani is playing it cool. Holding back to read Elisha's movements. She's an intelligent fighter, but has always been too passive. She has lost all six of her FCBA fights!"
Julie Brown: "A minute to go and neither of them have thrown a punch…"
Pauly Shore: "Here we go, Stefani steps into Cuthbert country and takes a wide swing..!"
Julie Brown: "But Cuthbert drops her head and comes back up with an uppercut!
Gwen Stefani, her eyes fixated on the incoming onslaught, had no time to react. She mustered every ounce of core strength, but Elisha Cuthbert threw her entire body into that rising uppercut. It hit home with a resounding "Oof!"
She bent at the waist, the punch finding its mark. In that moment, Gwen Stefani learned the hard way that in the ring, weaknesses are mercilessly exploited.
Julie Brown: "Stefani is bowed over as the bell ends round 1."
Pauly Shore: "Ha ha! That's embarrassing…"
Round 2:
Julie Brown: Round 2, ladies and gentlemen, and Gwen Stefani's fiery temper is on full display! She bursts out of her corner, throwing wild swings like there's no tomorrow.
Pauly Shore: Whoa, Julie! Elisha's guard is loose. I don’t know if she realizes how much she is leaving herself open.
Julie Brown: You said it, Pauly! Stefani's using those fast hands to counter-attack. Oh, and there it is! THUD! Stefani lands a solid punch right in Elisha's belly, and it sinks in deep. You can feel the anger behind that blow!
Pauly Shore: Ouch, that's gotta hurt! Elisha's gasping for air, that tummy may look nice, but her abs are about as strong as overcooked spaghetti.
Julie Brown: Absolutely, Pauly. Elisha's lips part as she takes the full force of that punch. She's moaning in pain, and there's no doubt about it.
Pauly Shore: And Gwen's not done yet, Julie! She's pulling back her fist, and BAM! Another hard hit right into Elisha's delicate tummy. Cuthbert’s abs are about as useful as a paper towel in the rain!
Julie Brown: Oh no! WHUD! It’s as if a battering ram struck an unfortified gate! Elisha’s weak abs surrendered to the blow, causing her to slump forward with a guttural groan. Stefani's not holding back, Elisha looks like she's in real trouble now.
Pauly Shore: Elisha looks lost, and honestly, I'm not sure if she's still conscious. But you gotta admit, it's kind of hot, right?
Julie Brown: "Gwen Stefani rocks Cuthbert with a right cross that sends her into the ropes."
Pauly Shore: "It's been a long time since Elisha has been able to breathe, this fight may be over already!"
Julie Brown: "Stefani might break her losing streak right here!"
Elisha lets out a weak moan as Gwen tosses right and left jabs into her midriff, keeping her winded.
Pauly Shore: "Gwen ends the best boxing round of her career by driving three hard uppercuts into the right side of Elisha Cuthbert!"
Julie Brown: "Cuthbert drops to all fours spitting out her mouth guard. I imagine she is regretting her cockiness before and Gwen Stefani is taking a moment to catch her breath after that brutal assault on Elisha's belly."
Pauly Shore: "Yeah, she really went to town on Cuthbert's midsection. But Stefani looks winded herself now."
Julie Brown: "Elisha's coach seems concerned, even asking if she wants to throw in the towel. Cuthbert is sitting there, hugging her belly."
Pauly Shore: "Cuthbert looks like a drowning swimmer, but she's not giving up easily. She's showing a lot of heart."
Julie Brown: "Hold on, Pauly. The crowd isn't happy with Stefani's tactics. They're booing her loudly."
Gwen Stefani tells the referee to stop counting, giving her opponent as much time as she needs to recover. She has climbed the turnbuckle yelling at the crowd with a huge smile. “It’s like punching whipped cream! Her belly is like a soft pillow!”
Pauly Shore: "Well, it seems Gwen doesn't mind being the villain in this ring."
Round 3:
Julie Brown: “Despite her earlier bravado, the toll of the fight has left Elisha wincing and clutching her aching midsection.”
Pauly Shore: “Give the hottie some credit. She is getting back on her feet. Wincing with every step, but she wants to keep fighting!”
Elisha couldn't help but make a candid comparison between herself and Gwen, as the two fighters circled each other in the ring, "Let's be real, Gwen, you're not as young and fast as me. Your stamina doesn't hold up, and honestly, you haven't won a single match in the FCBA yet."
Pauly Shore: "Yo! Gwen is mad."
Julie Brown: "Stefani loses her temper, her offense is getting sloppy as she hammers away at Elisha's defense."
Pauly Shore: "Elisha suddenly gets around Gwen's punches and counters with a shot to the nose."
Julie Brown: "Stefani felt that! She backsteps, protecting her face with her glove."
Pauly Shore: "Cuthbert moving in for some payback on Stefani's stomach. Gwen drops her hands, and sneaky Cuthbert knocks Stefani around with massive hooks!"
Julie Brown: "Cuthbert is hurt, but she knows the best defense is offense."
Pauly Shore: "If she keeps socking Gwen in the mouth, the Rude Girl can't punch back! Ha ha!"
Round 4:
Julie Brown: "Gwen Stefani spends the break being calmed down by her corner team."
Pauly Shore: "Her temper lost her the last round."
Julie Brown: "Gwen Stefani showing her technical skill and regaining control of the fight."
Pauly Shore: “Right! Elisha reacts with a grimace as her head is jolted to the side. Left! Elisha's body turns from the force of the blow.”
Julie Brown: “Jab! Jab! Elisha winces and tries to block the punches!”
Pauly Shore: “Another hard punch to the belly that brings her off the canvas! Elisha's hair flies as she stumbles back
Julie Brown:A right cross that bounces Cuthbert off the ropes. Elisha struggles to stay on her feet
Pauly Shore: “And Cuthbert walks into an uppercut to the chin! Whack! Elisha's head snaps back, and she fights to keep from falling.”
Julie Brown: Gwen scrunches her nose as she's hit with those light jabs to the face.
Pauly Shore: "Elisha's countering and fighting back! With back-and-forth action This is starting to look like a real boxing match!
Round 5:
Julie Brown: No one would accuse Stefani of holding a grudge...
Pauly Shore: What are you talking about, buddy? Gwen is a punk. "Rude" culture is all about holding a grudge. Elisha sucker punched her, and Gwen has been going for her belly ever since!
Julie Brown: It took Cuthbert a round, but she is back in form, countering and trading punches with Stefani like a skilled dancer.
Pauly Shore: They are both smart, defensive fighters who are not going to let themselves devolve into a brawl.
Julie Brown: They are circling each other like the Monitor and the Merrimack, taking careful shots at each other.
Pauly Shore: The exhaustion of both girls is slowing the pace of this fight. But they give the round to Stefani, and I guess it keeps going.
Round 6:
Julie Brown: Stefani and Cuthbert are TIRED.
Pauly Shore: Elisha Cuthbert is 21, she eats healthy and must have the genes of a goddess to look that good!
Julie Brown: But like we said earlier, Pauly, she's no athlete.
Pauly Shore: Not like Gwen Stefani, who grew up in skate culture and clearly hits the gym.
Julie Brown: On paper, Stefani should have had this fight in the record books in round 2. More endurance, more power.
Pauly Shore: Gwen is 33...
Julie Brown: I'm not touching that one. The fighters are unsteady on their feet as they approach each other.
Pauly Shore: Cuthbert with a right hook! Stefani is going down!
Julie Brown: Not quite! Gwen regains her footing and thunders back with a... Ow!
Pauly Shore: Dude! Stefani punched her in the boob! You can tell that hurt Cuthbert, who is baring her teeth and holding her chest.
Julie Brown: Oh, it's on now! Cuthbert nails a right cross into Gwen's chest. Gwen winced, closing one eye as she absorbed the pain!
Pauly Shore: Stefani yelling "b*tch!" Whoa! She hits a 1-2 combo that forces Elisha back a few steps, holding her upper body.
Julie Brown: Elisha takes a moment to recover. Gwen paces back and forth like a shark that smells blood.
Pauly Shore: Elisha is ready to go. POW! POW! POW!
Julie Brown: Gwen is bent forward, taking a lap around the ring, trying to massage the stinging pain. She suddenly lunges at Cuthbert, nailing the left boob!
Pauly Shore: No! That's my favorite!
Julie Brown: "One minute to go, and..."
Pauly Shore: "Yeah, buddy! My future ex-girlfriend has come to life! Cuthbert is letting off sparks as she fires off jabs to Stefani’s rack!"
Julie Brown: "Gwen is defenseless! She eats a left hook, then a hard..."
THUMP!
Pauly Shore: "Holy s—-! Cuthbert just knocked her ass out!"
Julie Brown: "Stefani is lying on her side. The Ref is at 4... 5..."
Pauly Shore: "Cuthbert is getting the audience worked up, shouting ‘I’m gonna win this thing!’ And she just might, Julie! I'm rooting for her."
Julie Brown: "You just think she’s hot."
Pauly Shore (agreeing): "Yes!"
Julie Brown: "Well, I am going to withhold my prediction until we see how Cuthbert does against Sophia Bush. Who knows? We may see a rematch between Cuthbert and Stefani in the finals!"
Pauly Shore: "And 10! Elisha Cuthbert has officially won the first round of 'The Wayback Machine's' Bantamweight tournament! Wait, what is Cuthbert doing?"
Post Match
Julie Brown: "Gwen Stefani is on all fours trying to recover. Cuthbert opts to leave her gloves on for the moment, lowering her stance..."
Pauly Shore: "It’s like she’s stalking her prey, Julie. What is she d..?"
Julie Brown: "Cuthbert gets a running start and..."
Pauly Shore: "Oooof! Elisha made a field goal right in Stefani’s gut! Gwen collapses over her knees and just moans!"
Julie Brown: "Hmm, that was unsportsmanlike."
Pauly Shore: "It was hot! That’s what Gwen gets for disrespecting Elisha in the ring!"
Julie Brown: "Well, we'll see what happens. We’ll be back for the next match, folks!"
