Jenny McCarthy versus Rachel McAdams

Jenny Mac clowning, taking mock offense at press conference at poster promoting the fight – image of Jenny and Rachel in intense stare down with logo “McAdams v McCarthy: Who is the ‘Big Mac” of the FCBA!”; fighters standing in front of the McDonald’s Golden Arches – McDonald’s having ponied up a significant ‘winner take all” bonus for this fight as part of corporate sponsorship.

“ So cheesy … get it … cheesy? Big Mac? I mean, is this even a thing?” Jenny mugs for press, “Does anyone seriously think of Rachel in the same class as me? Cuz I’m not seeing it! I mean … who’s the girl with all the mustard? Who brings the heat? Rachel’s like this meek little mouse … it’s no wonder we haven’t fought before but I guess if the fans want to see the fight then …”

Interruption by Tess Valmore of Tractorpull to point out that Jenny and Rachel HAVE fought before gives R-Mac a chance to speak. Rachel an experienced hand at handling Playmate bluster and knows exactly how to get under Jenny’s notoriously thin skin.

“Actually Jenny, we have met before, I’m surprised you don’t remember?” interjects Rachel, “They were rather memorable fights! I decisioned you on Christmas Day back in 2007. You definitely were on Santa’s naughty list that year because you were sooooo upset by the decision that you attacked me after the fight. I have to say I was surprised you were such a bad sport, I mean, you were not exactly robbed – I DID knock you down ... twice!”

Jenny sputtering and turning red in the face!

“As I recall, you earned a one month suspension for your little stunt and forfeited your entire purse for the fight to me? And the second fight? When you challenged me for my title? Surely you remember that? Here, let me refresh your memory …”

Screen behind the dais flutter and replay of round 3 of McCarthy v McAdams for bantamweight title in 2010 is show, complete with color commentary:

“!… trade in hooks goes Rachel's way: Jenny's head doing a quick side-to-side toggle as she's chin-checked. Jenny staring in confusion: Rachel goes: right hand/left hook - checking the chin again, loosening Jenny's knees. McCarthy stumble-stepping backward, lips parted: Rachel steps in a spearing jab to forehead, pushing Jenny's head back like a Pez dispenser, following up a straight right hand down into midsection. Jenny driven ropeside, face anguished: Rachel hops-to, goes: short, chopping right to chin; tidy left hook to chin off right leg; chicken-wing left elbow brace Jenny's tits, stacking her upright; tight right cross, swiveling Jenny's head. McCarthy's knees give way, then lock up straight, sitting her in ropes: Rachel frisks the jugs hup-hup-hup, then kisses Jenny a close-in right across the chops. Jenny tilting forward, lips parted in swoon: Rachel cuffs a right to Jenny's scalp, then tucks the right hand in behind Jenny's left elbow. Jenny moaning - crossing arms against her tummy: Rachel shifts weight to left leg, leaning in to tuck left hand behind right elbow - popping hips right and REALLY getting that left hand in there again, SNUG! BLONDE GIRL DOWN! Jenny jack-knifing forward off ropes, nosing in at Rachel's feet...McCarthy's arms hugging her body, her knees and legs cycling in gutshot agony on canvas ... she pushes herself onto her back, lifting her knees, her head lolling side to side and it's OVER! KO3 in decisive fashion, for the winner and STILL champion - Rachel MacAdams!!!”

(and THAT by the way is a sample of the brilliant writing Simguy bestowed on us back in the day and a fight which was characterized as possibly Rachel McAdams best performance ever)

Video off and Rachel with hint of smirk, “Surely you MUST remember that fight, dear, why I would think …”

J-Mac erupting out of seat and intercepted by alert FCBA security as she lunges at serenely smiling redhead. “YOU F*CKING b*tch!!! I’LL WRECK YOU!!! LET ME AT HER!!! GET YER HANDS OFFA ME …”.

FCBA officials hastily pronouncing press conference over, fearing riot. Rachel McAdams fixes still struggling Jenny McCarthy with a glare, “Don’t fret, tramp, at the pay per view, there won’t be anyone to hold you back … but you will wish there was!”

Fight night : By virtue of winning record, R-Mac chooses to enter ring last. Jenny to ring in black bikini with Playboy rabbit logo on one right butt cheek, black gloves and boots with white tassels ending in little white rabbit heads, hair pulled back in loose ponytail, to strains of Booby Darin’s “Mack the Knife” , accompanied by Sceej head trainer Scrubby McGee and Adrianne Palicki. Rachel with auburn hair tousled, sporting red sports bra and bike type shorts with red racing stripe and red fox logo on left butt cheek, red gloves and boots, accompanied by Jennifer Garner and Rachel Nichols from Foxfire Boxing. Furious glare from McCarthy as Nichols loudly crowing to delighted ringsiders, “Foxes hunt bunnies …. it’s what we do!”

Broadcast team of Jenny O’Dell and on loan from Front Street, Neve Campbell – Front Street owner the Grand Wizard seated ringside with Foxfire Director of Communications Beth Harnois, the two share a more than professional relationship!

No smirking, all icy stares during ring instructions from referee. When told to “Touch em’ up” Rachel’s gloves “accidentally" skid over Jenny’s and pop the Playmate puppies. McCarthy, every nerve on edge, lunges, corralled at last minute by Palicki and wrestled back to corner, ranting “that was on purpose” and “You’re dead, McAdams!!!”; Rachel shrugging and mouthing “Sorry?”. Significant delay to restore order as Jenny makes several aborted attempts to storm the Foxfire corner as McAdams calmly shadow boxes.

“Well …” sighs Jenny O’Dell, “That didn’t take long! Fans let me introduce my guest for this evening – a woman who knows a bit about R-Mac and J-Mac … Hall of Famer Neve Campbell! Neve, you’ve been in with both of these women a lot … 5 and 2 for your career over Jenny and 4 and 2 over Rachel … so you know what it takes to win. What’s your take and prediction?”

‘Thanks, Jenny.” replies Neve, “Well, two very different girls in there. Jenny loves to brawl and Rachel’s very much a tactician. Jenny’s a little better athlete and has the bigger punch – but only at range. Rachel’s a master at fighting inside, she’s younger, better defensive fighter and has a better chin. She’s also smarter than Jenny … but then who isn’t? (drawing a groan from O’Dell). What just happened up there, clearly not an accident but not just gamesmanship either. Rachel’s in Jenny’s head already, she’s going to make her fight with rage instead of smarts, all plays into Rachel’s hands. Rachel is just higher quality. You know, she’s up there in age but with a run … I’m talking a seven to eight fight win streak … she could still make the Hall of Fame.”

O”Dell: “So you’re picking Rachel McAdams?”

Neve: “Rachel’s beaten her twice, can’t see where anything’s changed. Plus she’s Canadian – Canuck tough! Jenny will have her moments but Rachel takes this by a knockout late.”

Round 1: Bell rings and McCarthy bolts across ring – the famous Mac Attack – looking to end it before it starts. Double left jabs, just to say “hello” and then big sash weight right hand. Rachel with dukes at chin, bobs under jabs and slips right hand, responds with left hook to the ribs, and then another. Jenny goes right hand lead which skids off top of Rachel’s scalp, then shifts weight and trades left hooks with McAdams, clipping Rachel’s chin but absorbing another body shot in return. Blond winces and flurries with both hands; McAdams in shell, taking shots on shoulders and forearms, letting enraged blond burn her money. When pace of Playmate punching slows, R-Mac erupts out of crouch, left hook catches temple and sends blond stumbling a step back. Now both girls letting hands go, crowd roaring at blazing opening round. Wild McCarthy right catches McAdams jaw and redhead’s knees shimmy.

Neve: “That right hurt McAdams!”

Jenny palms shoulder’s and walks Rachel to ropes where she bombards at range, but Rachel keeping defensive poise even buzzed, bobbing, rolling with shots to neutralize power, but it’s still Jenny pitching and Rachel catching. Bell rings and Jenny throws arms in air and treats Rachel to a “How you like me now, b*tch?”

O’Dell: “Big opening round for Mac the Knife, Neve!”

Neve: “No doubt, Jenny, McCarthy’s round … but she burned a lot of energy.”

Round 2: Jenny, spurning stool, much to Scrubby McGee’s consternation, standing and waving gloved hand to lead cheers from the Playmate faithful. At bell, she is a woman on a mission, left dangling at hip, right cocked. Jab … jab … but Rachel fades, slips, and hops inside, left hook to Playmate ribs, neat little right uppercut, then pops hips right for the money hook to the liver. Jenny forced back … has to disengage, which draws a cheer from the Foxfire faithful. Jenny gets cute, feigns right and then doubles left hook to redhead’s chin and temple. These are not haymakers but points are points. Jenny on toes, looking to circle, but Rachel masterful at cutting off ring, bobbing to get inside, then putting her head on Playmate sternum and just letting her hands go. Jenny, mugging to crowd “Don’t hurt … don’t hurt …” but after 20-30 seconds of body bombardment, she begins to sag, her cuffing responses ineffective, mostly catching shoulder or top of skull.

Jenny clinches and ties up, girls wrestling inside for last 20 seconds of fight. From Sceej corner, Scrubby McGee roaring, “Get off dem dam ropes!”. Rachel straightens her blond up with uppercut at (or juuuuuuuust after?) the bell … Jenny startled and then throws halfhearted right back as ref leaps between. Redhead chirpy “You want somethin’ with me?”, which draws dismissive wave from blond.

O’Dell: “Round to Rachel McAdams.”

Neve: “I got it as McAdam’s round too, Jen. McCarthy can’t afford to stay on ropes for any length of time – that’s Rachel’s turf!”

Round 3: McCarthy putting on a clinic, showcasing the boxing skills that have frustrated opponents (and her own trainers) in the past. Leggy and circling right, making Rachel chase and then making her pay the toll with an accurate punishing jab. R-Mac frustrated in pursuit, every time she closes the gap, classy (‘classy?’) J-Mac has the answer, a fade slide away from redhead’s shots, or feign the right and double the left hook to body and head. No one kill shot but McAdams absorbs a lot of punishment in what is a damn near shut out round.

O’Dell: “There’s the potential that has driven trainers crazy for years! When she wants it – Jenny can be another Billy Conn!”

Neve: “Oh, I know how frustrating it can be to chase her – thing is, she can't dance all night on forty-six year old legs – and she’s a brawler at heart, she always goes back to what she is.”

Round 4: J-Mac out of corner, on toes, circling but Rachel’s not having it. Dukes under chin, auburn haired beauty commands center ring, beckons with fists and shouts, “C’mon … we hear to dance or fight?”. Jenny nonplussed … continues to roam perimeter at distance … and then the boos start to rain down. Rachel McAdams lowers fists and sticks chin out to wild cheers, daring McCarthy to mix it up and getting under that famously thin skin. Jenny’s cheeks reddening as boos rain down – she snarls, eyes narrow, and wades into Rachel McAdams.

Neve: “Just too easy - Rachel’s playing her like a fiddle and making Jenny fight her fight!”

McCarthy wings left hook, McAdams snakes neck back and responds with left right combination to the ribs. Jenny uppercuts to redhead’s sternum and takes a double left hook back – Rachel punishing flank then bringing it up to the temple. Hands are flying now, back and forth action and crowd wild in response. At the minute and a half point, Jenny forced to take a step back and Rachel’s won the war of wills, along with the fourth round! Scrubby McGee reading J-Mac the riot act in corner, “You box, Jenny goil, box! Never mind the crowd - don’t you fight her damn fight!”

Round 5: Jenny back on her bike, bunny tassels flashing as she roams outer edge of ring – picking her spots for rushes – she’ll engage Rachel, score her points, and then get out. Auburn beauty again poses at center ring and beckons Playmate to engage, but blond brat just sticks out her tongue. At range, J-Mac pumps the jab battering Rachel’s pretty noggin and frustrating her as the counter hook to the body is late with blonde dancing back on light feet. At two minute mark, enraged Rachel gets careless, lunges in pursuit and is stopped in tracks by short right hand lead square in the kisser. Now Jenny is ready to trade on her terms! Lashes redhead with left to ribs, bendy back to avoid the counter hook to her jaw, and slings back with right hand to McAdams jaw that has auburn beauty stepping in fence holes.

O’Dell: “She’s hurt! Rachel’s hurt!”

Mac the Knife true to her name, slashing at stunned opponent as Rachel looks to cover up. Left to the ribs, another to the ribs, left-right buffeting the sides of head through McAdams guard. Jenny torques hips and rips left uppercut that stands opponent upright, then gets her back into straight right and DOWN GOES RACHEL MCADAMS!

Rachel on all fours, blinking – hot mic picks up Neve Campbell whispering “… get up … get up …” – R-Mac on one knee at six count and up at count of nine, shaking head to clear cobwebs as ref asks if she is good to go – game McAdams nodding “yes”.

Full minute left to go in the round and here comes Hurricane Jenny! Eyes crazed with blood lust, she literally runs out of neutral corner – and straight into a short right hand from Rachel McAdams! Startled, blond shrugs it off and forces redhead back to ropes with buffet of wild lefts and rights, Rachel giving up canvas but retreating in good order, high tight guard absorbing most of the shots, but even those are shaking her. Jenny stepping back for more room for overhand right haymakers, Rachel sagging into ropes at last moment to take edge of shots. Fans on their feet as Jenny looks to close the show and Rachel trying to hang on.

Neve: “Twenty seconds left in the round. She’s letting her off the hook. Twenty years in the ring and still not a clue how to finish … you can’t fix stupid!”

O’Dell (clearly uncomfortable with Campbell commentary) “errrrr … yes, Neve … and there’s the bell! Rachel survives the storm! Big round for Jenny Mac but we are going to see a sixth round, fans!”

Round 6: Between rounds, Nichols with the ice bag on McAdams neck, Garner talking – calm, professional, urgent but no panic.

Garner: “She’s gonna come hard but I’m telling you, she’s getting tired, ok? Now you can’t run from her, Rach. McCarthy’s a bully. You don’t back off from a bully – you punch her harder than she punches you, got it?”

Jenny again eschewing the stool, spends round leading cheers from her supporters with a raised glove – Palicki pleading with J-Mac to take a seat and Scrubby McGee fuming!

Bell rings for round 6. McCarthy mugs to supporters ringside, “I’ll be back in a minute!” then it’s on to the business of finishing Miss McAdams! Jenny purposeful out of corner, dukes at chin, marching on McAdams. Rachel meets her mid-ring, they trade jabs, trade jabs … and R-Mac stuns Jenny with a short right hand square on the chin. Blond stumbles a half step back and here comes Rachel! Slips a McCarthy jab and bludgeons right hand to the gut, left to the ribs, and then slips little upper cut inside to knock Playmate head back. McCarthy stunned –physically and psychologically – clinches with the redhead and the two women wrestle mid-ring until McAdams, sturdy legs and force of will, inexorably walks blond back to ropes and pins her in place … and the redhead sets up shop. Forehead pressed against J-Mac’s sternum, Rachel beats steady tattoo … Pak … Pak … Pak … leather smacking flesh as she wears out blond flanks with lefts and rights. Jenny looking to bend forward to spare barbecued ribs but Rachel forces shoulder under and levers her upright and the picnic resumes.

Neve: “McCarthy’s in trouble now! Gotta get off the ropes. Rachel’s maybe the best body puncher in the bantamweight division … at least now that I’m retired. And Jenny don’t like it to the body, I can tell you that from personal experience!”

O’Dell: “She doesn’t like it to the body? Uhm, Neve, who does!”

McCarthy trying to tie up McAdams, but Rachel not having it – arms keep pumping and toned Playmate midriff pinking up noticeably. Blond’s butt driven back through ropes – Grand Wizard rolls up program and pantomimes to swat Jenny’s derriere.

Neve: “Go ahead, Wiz! She soooooo DESERVES a spanking!”

In ring, Rachel, with abrupt violet twist of torso, clips Jenny-Mac’s chin with uppercut. BLOND GIRL DOWN! Rachel shoots arms in air and favors opponent with a “Stay down, b*tch!” as she is hustled to neutral corner by referee.

McCarthy bleary eyed, up at eight, looking much the worse for wear. McAdams across ring quick, but bell sounds before she can inflict further damage. Forces eye contact with crippled Playmate “One minute … I’ll see you in one minute!”

In Sceej corner, soft hearted Adrianne Palick, icing J-Mac’s neck, tears of concern in eyes for fighter she’s always viewed as “big sister”. Scrubby McGee gently working ribs – trying to stave off cramping from brutal body attack. “Jenny goil … I know it hoits .. but ya gotta suck it up … ya gotta move dis round … stay da hell away from her!”

Round 7: Jenny Mac looking to move but legs not there; simple job of work from Rachel McAdams to cut off ring, put hand on shoulders, walk her to ropes, and get back to the dreaded body work. Jenny looking t fight back but nothing on the punches. Inexorable … relentless … left to the ribs … right to the ribs .. left to the sternum … right to the ribs … McCarthy sagging like second hand furniture, only to have auburn tormentress lever her back up! Abruptly, Rachel steps back … R-MAC WANTS RACK!!! Rachel shows off her hand speed as she pounds Playmate puppies … Jenny’s jugs jumping and jiggling under the bombardment. Eyes unfocused … knees wobbly … J-Mac tries to get McAdams off her with a right hand that Ray Charles could see coming. Rachel bends back and slings her own right which catches Playmate flush on jaw! BLOND GIRL DOWN … AND BLOND GIRL OUT!!! McCarthy pitches forward, face sleepy on canvas, butt sticking up in air … count is a formality!

Winner by knockout in the 7th round … Rachel McAdams!

Post Fight: Jenny Mac half carried to corner by Palicki and Mcgee; smelling salts failing to bring Jenny back from Never Never Land. And then Rachel McAdams comes a calling. Addressing glowering Adrianne Palicki, “Don’t give me the stink eye, ‘Stretch’, you know as well as I do she’s EARNED this!”

Beaming redhead takes loopy blond by the wrist, drags her to feet, places arm around waist, and its one of the longest standing traditions in the FCBA … the Walk of Shame! Rachel McAdams waving to crowd as she walks Jenny Mac around ring, pausing to engage FCBA celebs as Sceej corner fumes. Furious Palicki starts into ring, but Scrubby grabs her by upper arm, “Let it go, Addie … its part of the fight game!”

Pausing at Foxfire corner, Rachel has Jenny shake hands with Jennifer Garner and a chortling Rachel Nichols! Passing broadcast table, dazed McCarthy half recognizes Jenny O’Dell. “Oh … hi, Jenny … uhm, is this the Asylum broadcast?” Rachel mock scolds battered blond, “Jenny … don’t be rude! Say ‘hi’ to Neve, too!” . McCarthy grins vacantly at her worst enemy in the world, “Oh … hi Neve ... nice to see you!” - Neve Campbell doubled over with laughter. As the pair pass the Grand Wizard and Beth Harnois, ringside, standing and slow clapping, Beth, exclaims, “Great win, Rach! Great win!”. The Man in the Hat acknowledges Rachel. “Pretty impressive, kid!”

“Did a number on her, eh, Wiz?” replies McAdams, pointing at Jenny’s battered midriff and the rapidly developing purple bruises, “Just look at that!” as she probes a deep blue welt, causing the blond to wince. “Oops!” chuckles R-Mac mischievously, “I think she’s a little ticklish there? Well, folks Jenny’s an older gal and its past her bed time … say goodnight to the nice people, Jenny!”

“… ’night Beth … night Weirdo … I’m a lil sleepy ….”

Rachel guides Jenny back to her own corner, where she is hustled back to the locker room as Rachel poses for promotional pictures with the oversized “Big Mac” bonus check!