Jenny McCarthy versus Kate Beckinsale

Jenny usually the master of the prefight interview with her brash clowning but no one knows how to get under Mac’s skin like Kate Beckinsale – that haughty attitude like a needle -pricking and goading Jenny into insanity. Jenny has her shtick all ready to go but K-Becks called upon to speak first at presser.

… and of course, she wore it – “it’ being the legendary charm bracelet which Kate wears when “rabbit hunting” – the Playmate Trophy bracelet. A dozen or so silver and gold bunny head charms gleam, each one inscribed with the name of a defeated Playboy model – silver for Playmates, gold for Playmates of the Year. McCarthy seething – is it a trick of the eye or does the gold bunny head inscribed “Jennifer McCarthy – Playmate of the Year 1993” keep sparkling at her? Distracting her momentarily from Kate’s remarks.

“… needless to say I was appalled to hear that Miss McCarthy felt the need to return to celebrity boxing, notwithstanding but not exclusively due to her advanced age. One would not expect curdled milk to attempt a “comeback”. It has always been my opinion that the FCBA is properly the domain of screen actresses – not models, not singers, and certainly not chemically enhanced page 3 girls. I had rather hoped that her ill advised and unwelcomed return would be promptly stopped; however, Miss Mendes and Miss Pressley failed miserably. Fortunately, Miss Kaya Scodelario, I would note another of her Majesty’s loyal subjects, administered a solid thrashing which would have sent a rational person back into long overdue retirement.”

Kate pauses, drinks from a glass of water, and favors a glance at a seething McCarthy, just the hint of a smirk, subtly tinkling the charm bracelet.

“Regrettably, the Irish are renowned for their thick-headedness and Miss McCarthy had the temerity to call for me to meet her in the ring - where I have repeatedly proven my mastery over her. However distasteful I personally find this undertaking, I viewed it as my duty to the FCBA to accept and to end her career once and for all! English ladies have never been averse to managing - physically if need be – a willful impudent Irish scullery maid, and with that tradition in mind, I will apply a full measure of good English discipline to her when …”


CHAOS!!! Jenny McCarthy erupting out of chair, “You f*ckin; b*tch!!! I’ll f*ckin’ kill you!!! Let me go!!! Let’s do this now!!!” Security struggling to contain McCarthy as Beckinsale wrinkles nose with evident distaste and leaves the venue …


Fight night: Arena sound system with cool thumping base line as Bobby Darin croons “Oh the shark has … pretty teeth, dear … and he shows them … pearly white …” as Jenny “Mack the Knife” McCarthy makes her way to the ring … eschewing her classic red for emerald green bikini with gold shamrock on the booty, green boots with gold tassels and gloves. Accompanied by trainer Scrubby McGee and big Adrianne Palciki (in case J-Mac needs to be physically restrained) … look of barely controlled rage on face.

Bobby Darrin not even close to done when he is drowned out by peals of “Rule Britannia” and here comes Katherine Beckinsale … looking serene, downright regal? Accompanied by head trainer Monica Bellucci and Cameron Diaz, wearing a Union Jack bikini, red gloves and boots, making a big show of the removal of the Playmate Trophy bracelet in the ring . It has been prearranged that fighters will get final instructions in their respective corners rather than mid-ring as is traditional – promoters do not want pre-fight fisticuffs.

Round 1: Jenny out of her corner like a rocket, looking to blitz Kate out of the fight before it starts. Big right hand slipped by Becks, who sharply heel turns and double pumps jab into Mac’s face. Beckinsale, the classic boxer, on her toes, moving head to slip another McCarthy haymaker and tarts her up with the reply – jab to the forehead, hips right to left hook the Playmate ribs, brings hook back up to hammer temple and finishes with straight right hand to the jaw – crisp accurate punching that has the blonde brawler stunned and then Beckinsale wheels deftly away. J-Mac stunned, flustered, frustrated. Shakes head to rid cobwebs and snarls “C’mon!” at tormentress. Jenny forward again, more cautious, bobbing low to avoid jab. Bull-rushes Brit to the ropes and lands thudding left and right to body, but classy K-Becks spins deftly away and back to pricking Playmate with that rapier jab. At bell, McCarthy jawing, trying to shame opponent to “Stand and fight, b*tch!” Kate smiles that icy smirk, “I prefer to box, you ape!” Big opening round K-Becks!

Round 2: Two can play at that game! Not exactly a secret that while Jenny loves to brawl, she can box! At corner’s urging, she is on toes now, jabbing with Kate and generally winning exchanges. Kate more disciplined but Jenny the better athlete, out- quicking the Brit. Becks with lips pursed, gloves up, picking off some shots but also taking the steady pik-pak of blonde jab. Brunette wings the right to back Jenny off, but Mac pulls head back to avoid the shot and right back with a left right combination to the belly that draws a grunt out of Katie. Good round McCarthy whose all smirky smiles at the bell.

Round 3: Hated rivals trading rounds, Beckinsale’s turn. Kate focused out of the corner, looking to neutralize McCarthy’s physicality with pure class and discipline. Jenny looking to capitalize on last round, comes out with the rangefinder jab and follows with big overhand right, which British boxer slips deftly, works inside left to blonde sternum, right to rib cage, left hook clanging off job and brunette will o wisp is gone. Blonde rage play into K-Becks hands. Jenny disdaining right … backing up for more room for huge rights, but they are telegraphed and no combinations. Simple job for Kate … slip and counter … duck and counter … not looking to do too much and then out untouched. Jenny getting scuffed up, pace slowing, accumulated punishment. Last thirty seconds and K-Becks to the offensive, backing her blonde to the ropes with the pumping jab and then lashing body with left and rights. Smug satisfied Kate Beckinsale - three minutes and Jenny McCarthy did not lay a glove on her! Just the way Kate likes it!

Round 4: Katherine Beckinsale burned a lot of energy last round but looking to impose will and that vaunted “full measure of good English discipline” on raging Playmate. K-Becks fighting economically, in guard, resting when she can, rebuffing blonde assaults when pressed. Jenny with a better round, scoring to body, looking to bully Kate but can’t crack that solid guard. Close round but looks like Katie Becks has won consecutive rounds.

Round 5: Jenny Mac gets a talking to between rounds and comes out smoking. Crouching and weaving to neutralize the rapier jab of K-Becks, she scoots inside and bangs double left hook to midriff, causing brunette to clinch. From there, Mac lets her greater physical strength do the work as she inexorably backs British rival to the ropes, violently works hands free and sets up shop, head parked under Kate’s chin, just bludgeoning the Brit. Left to the ribs, right to the ribs, left uppercut to sternum, drawing grunts. Beckinsale buffeting sides of McCarthy’s noggin with both hands but she’s sunk into the ropes and can’t generate any power. Grueling punishing round spent primarily on ropes, at bell, Jenny telling Kate alllllllllllllllllllllll about it until ref pushes them apart.

Round 6: Bellucci all over K-Becks in corner, “You cannot fight off the ropes! You can NOT fight off the ropes! You need to stop her in her tracks – now! She will come hard – feign jab and bust her with the uppercut! Demand your respect, Kate!” Perfect blueprint, perfectly executed! Jenny out of corner, beaming and grinning. Kate twitched shoulder as if jabbing and Jenny ducks … into picture perfect left uppercut, right on the point of the chin! McCarthy wide eyed, shocked, stunned, stumbling back on rubber legs. Kate follows up with straight right hand to jaw which swivels blonde’s head and Playmate sags wounded into the ropes. British element of crowd on feet roaring.

Liz Hurley, handling announcing chores for Sky broadcast of the event, “.. McCarthy hurt and hurt badly. Slumps into the ropes … and here comes our Kate!!!”

Beckinsale the ice princess – unhurried – composed – double jabs at wounded blonde as range finder then crashes straight right off forehead. Mac sags right into ropes, offering left flank. What’s on the menu now? Liver – well done – as cruel Kate torques hips and digs liver shot which draws a sharp cry of pain from crippled blonde. McCarthy looks ready to go, strong legs holding her up as Kate takes the baseball bat to hated rival!

At bell, Beckinsale forces eye contact, “I warn you, trull – do NOT come out for another round or I shan’t be responsible for what happens!”

Round 7: K-Becks icy resolution, looking to finish. Out of her corner in her classic upright pose, stalking a clearly still wounded blonde. Jenny giving up canvas, reluctant to engage, as Kate peppers her with the jab – pap – pap –pap - then the right cross crashes off temple and has Playmate rubber legged. Kate loads up right hand and is STUNNED! Jenny Mac with ‘Hail Mary” right of her own, beats Brit to the punch and suddenly it is Kate Beckinsale who is reeling. Both fighters on shot legs, so they stand mid ring, sloshing punches back and forth. Crowd on its feet, partisans for each girl trying to will their favorite to find the “off” switch. Late in the round, trade of left hooks – Kate’s skids off Jenny’s scalp and Mac’s lands flush to the jaw. K-Beck’s knees buckle and she reaches to clinch. Bell rings and two badly scuffed fighters wander back to respective corners.

Round 8: Empire corner – Diaz applying ice bag to Beckinsale’s neck as Monica Bellucci scolding/imploring “Box, Kate, Box! Do not trade with this tramp! That’s her game! Class beats crass everytime!!!”. Sceej corner, Adrianne Palicki biting lip, looking on battered McCarthy with that “kid sister” concern. Scrubby McGee fumbles in gym bag and comes up with a bottle of Jamesons. “Drink dis, Jenny girl! Ok … not too much … sip it.”

Fighters out of corners, with effects of seven tough rounds evident, but driven by long standing mutual hate. Beckinsale jabs and scores. Double jabs and scores. Feigns jab and rings up blonde with right hand to the temple. McCarthy mumbles “You got nuthin’, b*tch!” and misses with wild left hook. K-Becks in to bang the body, left and right to the ribs . and this time gets caught! Big left hook and BECKINSALE DOWN!!! Kate blasted to her back by sweeping shot to the temple and just staring at the overhead lights. Empire corner screaming “Get up!!!”. Groggy Brit sits up at five, gets to one knee at seven, and barely beats ten count. Looking to move but leg not there. McCarthy out of neutral corner with a savage grin. Feigns left hook and rings Beckinsale up with right to the temple that has her swaying on spot. McCarthy with half step back to generate power and kisses British chin with big right hand. Brunette pitches forward on to her face. Ten count is a formality … ref could have counted to a hundred! Winner by knockout in the 8th round … Jenny “Mac the Knife” McCarthy!

Post fight: Empire staff physical lifting a still shell shocked Kate Beckinsale to her stool when they receive an unexpected visitor – a battered but beaming Jenny Mac. Grabbing her enemy’s wrist, she ranks the half conscious Brit to her feet, chuckling “You’ve had this coming a loooong time, b*tch!”. Stumbling scalding walk of shame, with Jenny mimicking the royal “screwing in the light bulb” wave as she drags Kate around the ring and then decides on a second circuit! Furious Cameron Diaz steps onto ring apron fuming “Enough’s enough!” but the walk continues!

British Boxing Weekly summarizes the “vile lack of sportsmanship” shown post fight with a single word headline “APPALLING!”.