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Previously, on Punchmaze

Anna Popplewell: I'm going to start at more or less the beginning because we've all seen the promos by now. But one thing before that... yes! Yes yes yes yes. I haven't gotten to fight like this in over a year, when I teamed up with Chiaki [Kyan] and Haruka [Ayase] for those cage matches in Japan. I love boxing but I feel like something like this plenty of chaos and not a lot of rules is a great format for me.

Beyond the promo there isn't much setup. They kept us in the dark about exactly where we were going. But several assistant producer types were very clear on a few things. First, there was going to be one winner. Anyone who submits or falls out of bounds for a three count was eliminated. And they warned me not to re-enter after being eliminated, very seriously. They had some kind of plan to deal with people who tried.

AnnaSophia Robb: All of the cameras. All of the [redacted]. I knew where everyone was at all times and I was ready to take my revenge. If the ref pushed the button, the door would unlock. No one would ever see me coming.

Anna Popplewell: The stagehand shoved me through the door and slammed it shut and that was it. They had dressed up the abandoned warehouse with a lot of barriers, about ten feet high. They looked pretty flimsy, but they were enough to keep me from seeing very far. They were also using spotlights to mark the boundaries. The very edge of the arena was lit up in red, and in front of me everything was lit up in yellow. I think I had just gotten an unlucky draw for my starting spot. I had to scoot towards my guess as to the middle right away or I was going to get caught in the red and be eliminated without getting to hit anybody.

It was awful. I couldn't go all THAT fast, because Ariana Grande could be hiding behind any of the chunks of plywood or drywall or whatever that the stagehands had thrown down. But I could hear Robyn [Lawley] announcing. "Evanna. Has eliminated. Jhene." "Holland. Has Eliminated. Ariana." I was honestly worried that there would be no one left by the time I got to the middle and I was going to leave without doing anything. Luckily I realized that wasn't mathematically possible.

Evanna Lynch: Jhene Aiko makes a funny noise when you stomp on her ribs. I also don't think her peripheral vision is very good. Anyway, she was quite loud, so I decided to go hide somewhere else to avoid getting jumped. I guess the red zone got her, and luckily I got credit for taking her out.

Ariana Grande: My fans wanted a better result than "Not dead last" from me. I want them all to know that I gave it everything I had, but I totally admit that once I locked up with Holland I wasn't on my feet for very much longer. I completely take responsibility and promise to come back stronger than before.

Holland Roden: Out muscling Ariana Grande isn't the biggest accomplishment, but sitting on her and pounding her face in is a lot of fun.

Anna Popplewell: It must have been a really big fight. I could here a lot of thuds and at least three voices. It was really all I could do to not sprint right in and get started, but I had a little bit of patience left, and I was about six inches outside of the yellow zone, so I was safe for the moment. No one had seen me.

Tatiana Maslany: Lyndon [Smith] was already dragging around Lindsey [Morgan] in a headlock. She was going for the DDT but Lindsey wasn't making it easy. I was trying to figure out which one of them to trip, but then Kourtney showed up. Neither of us was going to escape without going through the other.

Luckily Kourtney is about as good at striking as her sister, so when she rushed me, I got her with a chop to the neck and punched her in the nose, and she didn't lay a finger on me. I think she wanted to clinch at that point. We locked up and I bashed her against the wall. The whole thing wobbled. I don't think it was built very well. But it was enough to keep Kourtney nice and stuck. A lot of stuff happened. I think she got me by the hair, but I got some good fists and knees into her stomach.

I distinctly remember seeing Lyndon face down on the floor. I'm not sure what happened to Lindsey. I was busy dragging Kourtney into the yellow zone by the ankles and stomping on her ribs, and also busy getting tackled from the side by Emily [Osment].

Anna Popplewell: It wasn't long before I heard footsteps of someone breaking away from the group. I took a second to get focused, and got ready to pounce on her. Actually, hit her with the double axe handle as she came around the corner; when I got both of my fists into her solar plexus she doubled over. All I could see was brown hair swinging around; I hadn't gotten a look at her face yet.

While she was still bent over, I kept my hands clasped together and gave her another one under the chin. Pow! I think I might have gotten her feet off of the ground, but I was concentrating on winning, so you'll have to ask her or look at the recording if you want to be sure.

Tatiana Maslany: I had my guard up and got ready to swing at Emily, but right as we moved apart, our side of the room turned red. It covered all three of us -- me, Kourtney, and Emily. Kourtney could barely move, but Emily just turned around and sprinted out, and I had to dodge the red too. Kourtney could barely move, so about a second later I hear "Tatiana. Has Eliminated. Kourtney." Anyway I made my escape and lost track of everyone else.

Anna Popplewell: Anyway she straightened up right away with her head thrown back and just fell flat. Now that she was facing up, with her hair out of the way, I could see that it was Lindsey [Morgan]! She was spread eagled and fast asleep.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I would have had more fun in some kind of dramatic final showdown with her, where we got a little bit of warning and both got to give it our best. I'd do it again in a second, of course, that's how you survive an event like this one!

I didn't think any of that until later, though, I just dragged her by the wrists and shoved her into the red zone with my foot. One point for me!

Lindsey Morgan: I was robbed! I punched the snot out of Lyndon [Smith]. Seriously, total dominance. She was drooling, bruised, completely out of it, and I just got to pound her with haymakers. Wham wham wham! Felt great.

Then Emily [Osment] rounds the corner and starts to get in my face. I let Lyndon finish falling over and square up with her, she's jabbing me while trying to keep her distance, and... I spot Tatiana out of the corner of my eye. She can't reach me yet, but she's moving up to hit me from behind. I'm not scared of any of them, but two at once, with no break after beating up Lyndon? I made a run for it.

And I don't get ten feet before Anna jumps me.

The worst part? The last thing I remember hearing is "Emily. Has eliminated. Lyndon." I did all of the work! I guess Emily got credit because she touched Lyndon last, but... unbelievable. Did everyone plan this one out together? I can't imagine these people being so well coordinated by accident.

Tatiana Maslany: So like I was saying, Emily crashes into me from the side and gets a good grip. She would have knocked me down, but I manage to twist around and crash into the wall instead, and from there I got her by the shoulders and shoved her hard enough to separate us. Just then, the safe zone shrinks, and we're both in red. Emily decides to run off, and I go in a different direction. I guess she didn't want to risk a fight where any decent knockdown would mean the end of one of us. But yeah, we both spent about a second in the red.

Kourtney was still curled up into a ball groaning, though, and was never going to get up after a three count. So score one for me.

Anna Popplewell: By now I'm in danger of falling out of bounds again if I wait too long, so I get moving. Except I think by now there's barely any space left in bounds, so we're all mashed together, and it's not long before I'm face to face with Holland.

We've never met, but she's lovely and we both knocked out Clare Bowen within a few weeks of each other, so I was always vaguley positive on her? Now was different, of course. She has my back to the red, so of course she charges me. I lean in and try to lock up with her, but it doesn't quite work. She gets me by the hand and punches me in the nose before I can finish grabbing her, and I stumble back into the red. I think she wanted to throw me to the ground and make her escape, but I was already striking at her, so she settled for tripping me. I land on my butt.

I don't have an exact count but it must have been two seconds in the red already, and there's no way I can make it to the edge in time. I do the next best thing and dive for Holland's ankle. She tries to jump out of the red, but I get a grip on her, and she falls. Now, she tries to crawl out, but she doesn't have enough time either, plus I've got her other ankle now. "Holland. Has Eliminated. Anna." "Anna. Has Eliminated. Holland."

Holland Roden: I had her beat, and she just decided to ruin my day too. It's not like there's any kind of second prize in this battle, so it was pure spite! To be fair I would have done it too.

Anyway, here's the important thing. The rules said not to interfere with the contestants if you're eliminated. Anna was already out, so she wasn't a contestant. And she realized the same thing, so when I started kicking her she tackled me.

Emily Osment: I heard Holland and Anna mutually knock each other out and I realized how close I was to winning this thing. There were only two others left. So I do the sensible thing and hide somewhere irrelevant near the red.

Not long after Tatiana wanders past me. I double back behind her and manage to jump on her back before she realizes I'm there. I've got my legs around her waist and an arm around her neck, and I manage to whack her in the side of the head a few times with my free hand. She grabs my hair and tries to slam me into the wall, but instead she falls down, and that put a stop to her fighting back completely.

Evanna Lynch: The safe zone was only about ten feet wide by now, and some of it was walled off. I was stretching when Emily arrived. There's no real shenanigans anyone can pull so we just get started without any fuss. She got her guard up and definitely wanted to fist fight me, but I got her with a front kick to the leg before she could get close. Made her squeak! I knew she felt it, plus I was pushing her towards the red.

So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she tackled me. It definitely bought her some time, since otherwise I was going to keep making her risk going out of bounds for three seconds. We were rolling on the floor until we hit the wall and just stayed put. I had my hand behind her, tangled up in her hair; she was scratching my sides. Our feet were actually in the red, so we sort of agree to scoot a few inches up.

But that gives me an idea. I push off of the ground, pull her head into the wall by the hair, and while she's a little bit out of it, I lift her up. Now instead of being face to face, her stomach is smothering me and I'm hugging her legs. She squirms, but I think the count was at two before she realized. Then she started kicking! But she didn't get out in time.

It was anticlimactic until I got confetti and a sparkly crown from Robyn Lawley, who was really nice and didn't make it weird that I'd beaten out her stablemate for it. Then Emily had another go at me and we both got a few punches in before Robyn pulled us apart, and it was back to anticlimactic.

Emily Osment: I'm still mad.

Anna Popplewell: So I'm standing on the wall that we broke earlier. Wait, no, the wall Holland put my head through right at the start was still upright, so I must have been standing on what was left of the wall that I put my foot through a few minutes in. My right leg isn't doing so well, and I think my eye is starting to swell up.

Holland isn't looking so great either, but she dives at my legs anyway. I scoot back a little bit and hold my ground, then lift her! I've got my arms around her waist and I'm holding her upside down, but instead of knocking her silly with a pile driver, the wall breaks again. It's essentially wall dust at this point. So we both fall down all tangled up.

Holland gets up on her hands and knees and tries to separate, and I pounce, wrap my limbs around her tight, and roll onto my back. She's above me, kicking wildly and trying to push herself off, and I'm trying to get my arm in the right position for the sleeper hold. We struggle like that for... it feels like ages. She really went all out right there, pushing me across the floor and everything. But once I have my bicep on the side of her neck and start squeezing she goes limp almost immediately.

So I roll on top and try to figure out what I'm going to do with her. It's all unofficial at this point anyway -- the production crew turned the lights out near the end of this -- so eventually I just leave her asleep on her back in a pile of debris.

Anyway I hope management holds another Punchmaze next week, it was a lot of fun! I'm a little bit disappointed that I didn't get to meet anyone else, because when I went to look around everyone else had already gone home. Next time.

Holland Roden: I got a thank you note from Anna later. I can't tell if we're enemies or not.



Evanna Lynch: Now that I've had a chance to rest a little bit, I'm thrilled to have done so well in my big debut. It's a little bit like getting nine wins in one go, though obviously looking back a few people just got eliminated due to general silliness and bad luck that was nothing to do with me. Still, I won, you didn't, I probably beat up whoever beat you, if you don't like it fight me.

Summary:

Evanna Lynch: Eliminated Jhene Aiko and Emily Osment, winner

Emily Osment: Eliminated Lyndon Smith and Tatiana Maslany

Holland Rhoden Eliminated: Ariana Grande and Anna Popplewell

Anna Popplewell : Lindsey Morgan and Holland Rhoden

Tatianna Maslany: Eliminated Kourtney Kardashian

Kourtney Kardashian: Outlasted those below

Lindsey Morgan: Outlasted those below

Lyndon Smith: Outlasted those below

Ariana Grande: Outlasted the one below

Jhene Aiko: Showed up


(Results based on nothing and approved by nobody)