Minka Kelly vs Dichen Lachman

Minka Kelly vs Dichen Lachman
(Lioness Club of America vs FCBA Independent)
(45-22-1, 41 KO vs 2-8, 1 KO)
Results: Lookout!; Story: Vassago

BEFORE: Minka Kelly's slump is one thing but being openly mocked on social media by someone with Dichen Lachman's record is something else! The Nepalese-Australian has emerged on Netflix's "Altered Carbon" series which gave her a new TV life over in America however Lioness trainer Eva Mendes dismisses her efforts as laughable: "So, Netflix is really the new black but if Dichen's so high up on the money list why didn't she appear on the recent Asylum PPV where all these Netflix wannabes got served? I mean, her record suits The Wizard's match-making style. If she wasn't there that means she's even below that cannon fodder standard!"

Minka rejects multiple questions about her own LCA status with Nina Dobrev apparently tagged as the new bantamweight Alpha and vows to blast the doors off Lachman tonight: "I've had plenty of success around the league but maybe I need a signature destruction of someone like her to silence a critic or two? Kira Kosarin and Kaya Scodelario have earned back-to-back title shots based on taking my scalp so I'm still invaluable when it comes to sorting out the championship picture!"

Minka Kelly wears a leopard print sports bra, black hotpants and red gloves. Long dark brown hair tied in a high ponytail. Dichen Lachman wears a red sports bra, white hotpants and black gloves. Dyed blonde hair tied in a curled ponytail. The fight is scheduled for ten rounds in the bantamweight division.

Round 1:
Minka's run of poor results is public knowledge so it's perhaps no wonder that Dichen wants to explore tonight's opportunity as quickly as possible. She jumps into a jabbing frenzy but has problems connecting against the southpaw stance and shifts her weight too far forward to carry some meaningful power behind her high-tempo assault. Several punches only skim off the high guard before Minka triggers her trademark counter-punching effort that nails the Australian on the nose and staggers in the center of the ring. A looping cross arrives on target as well and a quick uppercut follow up leaves Lachman's defense badly exposed. She still tries to lay into the brunette but misses her overhand swing and gets WHACKED with a brutal left hook on the nose. Ugh! That's like three big shots finding the same spot now and Dichen sinks on her knees immediately; she's unable to weave herself out of Kelly's striking zone so eats a brutal left hook one more time and wobbles forward with a whimper... Uh-oh! Minka pounces on the cumbersome rival and delivers a stunning right/left combo that tags the temples before a hook on the boobs leaves Lachman breathless.. my oh my... her gloves slump by her waist and she can't do anything when Minka SMASHES her with yet another left hook that SENDS THE GUMSHIELD FLYING into the stands... Dichen's eyes bawl into the orbit and she jack-knifes to the boards in slo-mo fashion moments later... she drops face-down at the brunette's feet and the ref doesn't even bother with the count!!! KO1 Minka Kelly!!!

AFTER: Whoa! That was lightning fast from the L.A. veteran who blows the doors off Lachman at two minutes and nine seconds of the opening round per official timing. And it's a genuine shock alright! Nobody expected the embattled former champion to deliver such a knockout as she's used to physically wearing her opponents down before grinding out a savvy victory. This was more a Jessica Lowndes-like ruthless frenzy that drop-kicked the free agent into complete boxing extinction.

However just how VULNERABLE is Lachman's chin anyway? Perhaps she's even worse than those Netflix hopefuls who struggled back at the Asylum PPV lately? Zoe Saldana has found a solid challenger for bantamweight's Glass Jaw award tonight and mercifully Dichen hasn't recovered in time for the official verdict to be announced or else she'd struggle to embrace the magnitude of this epic failure. This was one of these "you're not good enough for FCBA" performances and the future looks very bleak for the Nepali-born actress indeed. Perhaps the ACB will throw her a desperate lifeline now? Does Tess Valmore and the rest of the US-based pundits really care about that?

Final result: Minka Kelly def. Dichen Lachman KO1